Feeling like the Lone Ranger

Lately I have felt like the Lone Ranger.. well that is the only way I could think of to explain how I feel. You see I had my first baby at 20 years old. A lot of my friends and people at church were not having babies at that point in their lives so I did not have a group of ladies all going through what I was going through. I would have loved to have had Internet back then. It would have been so nice to be able to connect with other ladies going through the same things that I was. I was mostly a stay at home Mom and I loved it but was still lonely. Now I have 17 year old and a VERY soon to be 20 year old - and most of the ladies at my church that are my age have younger children. Now I am also a Grandmother... NO one my age is a Grandmother. So now I feel like I am going through this stage..alone. Oh and not to mention being a Mother in Law. I think Mother in Laws get a bad rap. It seems that no matter what you do - you can not really please your daughter in law, but see I have no one going through this stage and so I can't even share my thoughts and hurts off of anyone.

I really did not start a blog in order to just gripe and complain but I am just going through a rough patch right now. And I also want to be a more authentic person. And I think that I am a little on the emotional side today because of the symposium tomorrow. I am afraid to hear what the prognoses is for my husband. So I am just more sensitive than usual. Then several different things along the lines of being a MIL and a Grandmother have happened this week and it has just really been hard to go through. Long ago I learned to build walls around my heart but it is so much harder when ever other people are involved. Before I just had to block my own pain, my own disappointments. But now, the things that are going on are affecting my husband as well. And I know it hurts him so much. And so it makes it so much harder. It is harder to put that pain in a box and set it aside and say it really does not matter to me. It is harder to deny the pain when you look at the person you love that is being affected by the same situation and see the pain in their eyes and not feel it yourself. This past week I have been trying to understand how I felt and by writing out this post, the feelings finally came though enough to be able to explain why it hurts more. Why I can't put those feeling out of my mind. Life was easier when I could do that. I was used to disappointments. I think I already explained that as a child growing up we moved all the time. And it was so hard on me. I learned long ago with the pain of leaving friends, security, and sometimes family behind that it was much easier when I talked myself out of letting it bother me. When I packed those feeling up neatly in a box and tried to leave them on the moving trucks. But now...Praise the Lord I have had the privilege to live in the same place for almost 10 years. But at the same time my life has gotten to the point of having more situations in which I can not box up and set aside..where others in my life are also suffering.

I guess another thing that has me bothered is that I looked at the web site of a hospital near us to see if I could find a support group or education class about Parkinson's and I found NOTHING. I am feeling like I will go through this alone as well. I guess I should be used to it by now.

I guess I really should not say that I have had to go through all the phases of my life alone because I know that God has been there every step of the way. And I am so very grateful that He has been. I just think it would have been nicer and more enjoyable to have had other ladies going through the same thing to be able to talk about the different issues being faced.

God has a plan for my life and I just need to trust Him. I have heart to trust His heart when you don't see His hand. Well that is what I will have to do. Trust God.