When the Heart Softens ~ Me - then/now

This past year has been such a hard one for me. And I think that through the brokenness I allowed myself to get a little hardened. I noticed I did not have as much compassion for others as I used to have. I think that I cried so many tears since my diagnosis that I just ran out of tears, not literally but I was so tired of crying that I pushed my feelings as far back as I could.

My husband and I would watch movies - and at moments in the movies that I would normally need a towel or kleneex I was finding myself emotionless- maybe a bit sad but not at all like I used to feel. But somewhere in the last week or two something happened - I remember the moment but don't remember what led to it. It was like - I can feel again. As I write these words I hope that I am not giving the idea that I turned into a stone wall - because I didn't swing so far the other direction as to become that hardened - I just worked hard to protect my heart. I didn't want it hurt any more. And when you allow yourself to feel emotions deeply - you hurt. Before the diagnosis I had been through some situations that I had felt had totally broken me - but I was wrong. Coming to terms with cancer and all the feelings that go along with it tends to cause brokenness....at least for me it did. And it hurt. I can't even begin to tell you how many tears I cried over the loss of my hair. Some might say that is pure vanity - and it might be. But when your hair is your best feature- it really is hard to lose it.

This is a picture that is actually a couple of years before my diagnosis:

Anyway now I am beginning to feel again. When I am watching "Chopped" and hear of a man who is raising his 3 children alone now because his wife died of inflammatory Breast Cancer last year- I tear up. My heart is saddened for him and his children. And although it hurts- it also feels good because I am beginning to allow myself to have compassion again. I am not afraid to cry. I might not be back 100% - but I know that I am not where I was.

Here is an updated photo of me taken yesterday:

Sorry for the fuzziness. I need to try to figure out what I can do in order to take clearer photos.

I had a hair cut earlier this week. It has been about 2 1/2 months since my last hair cut and I needed to get the split ends off and shape up some.

Notice also that my mole is gone. There is a red spot there where it is healing. So glad that is behind me. Glad I did it when I did- especially when I looked at our insurance website and noticed that it cost over $200.00 to remove it and then about $150. to send the mole to a lab to have it tested- thankfully it was not cancer. Praise the Lord for that blessing.

 

Anyway I just wanted to write my feelings down and process my thoughts- wish I had have done it when I first noticed that I was allowing myself to feel again - it would be neat to remember more of the details. What ever the cause - I am glad because in order to share God's love with other's it pretty important to have a heart for people. And I had been trying desperately to protect my heart. Still wanting to protect it but wanting to allow God to love others through me as well.

 

Gracious Words

Forgive me if I have already written about this topic.

I have been so busy- I think of things I want to write about and then most of the time I just haven't had a chance to write them out. But there is a chance that this is something that I have written about. But even if it is- I feel it is an important topic and that even if I have written about it before- it is worth the extra look at it.

 

 

(Something floating around Facebook)

 

You all know how hard this cancer "adventure" has been for me. Especially in terms of losing my hair, eye brows, and eye lashes(as I wrote this- I teared up- I had not anticipated that at all- but it goes to show how very deep the emotions go in regards to this.)

Never was I ever very comfortable wearing a hat or a wig. But I am so very thankful for some very special people that don't base beauty on a person's looks only.

 

My husband has been very supportive. He is probably the one person who truly knows how hard the past 8 months have been on me. And he did his best to reassure me of my beauty and he also helped me see the humor in this "adventure."

 

God blessed me with several best friends who also base beauty, not on the outer person only, but also are able to see the beauty that comes from within. They have been my cheerleaders throughout this journey. They have called me "beautiful" when I did not feel beautiful at all.

 

I have also been amazed at the loving support and acceptance I have gotten from so many people from my church. Some of them have gone above and beyond to show how much they care. And it has meant so much to me.

 

and I can not forget each one of you who have been so very supportive to me throughout this whole journey. I have trusted you guys with photos of me - with hardly any hair - and that says a lot. I did not even post the first 2 photos on facebook. Your positive response helped give me courage and strength to finally come to the point of taking off the hat and moving forward in this journey and I want to thank each one of you.

 

 

 It was because of all of these loving people that were willing to use their words to be of encouragement to me that helped give me strength to face the world each day.  

They also helped counteract the negative responses that I got. People can be cruel and I am so thankful for people who are willing to use their words to encourage and to heal. We need more people like that. :O)

Who Wouldn't Want...

This photo was floating around Facebook.

 

When I saw this - it really got my attention. There are many people who are grieving. You don't have to have lost a loved one in order to be grieving. There are many causes to grief. Some of the things that cause us grief can be talked about, some things are just too personal to share.

 

I think while reading through this list - I realized something else important. This is certainly a list of things that would be nice to share with one another all the time, not just in special times of grief - because like I said - we truly don't know when others may be grieving.

 

Love.

 

Listen.

 

Drop all expectations.

 

Practice Validation.

 

Who wouldn't want to be treated this way?

 I know this list sounds pretty good to me. I think I am going to copy this list and tape it by my computer - to remind me to keep these things in mind while dealing with people.

Another Reveal

So today - I shared a photo of myself in one of my hats on Facebook.

 

When my Mother first saw me in a hat she was a bit startled. It was the week end that I began to lose my hair and so since we were going to go walking I thought I would wear one of my hats so that I would not be out in the wind and maybe all my hair blow away...lol...truthfully I was a bit scared it might happen. Anyway so I wore the hat. And like I said when my Mom first saw me she was a bit startled- she told me that it jarred her memory and she was reminded that I had cancer.

And truthfully, I totally got where she was coming from. I will be going about my life and then something will remind me and it is something that kind of startles you. She warned me that people might react kind of weird when they saw me - without hair - wearing hats- not because I looked bad or anything like that but because I don't usually wear hats so it is very different.

 

So that is why I shared my photo. I was going to have to get out and go to a couple of places that I had not been to without hair yet and it was a little scary and when I took the photo I decided it was a good time to share it on Facebook so that others could get used to seeing me like this. And that way make it easier on them and me.

 

 

You can see on my neck in the shadow the spot that is really red because of where the bandaid had been. It does not hurt so it's all good.

I am still hurting in my calves and my feet today but I am doing better overall and that is good. I was able to get to my Block of the Month meetings- where I won the door prize and was able to pick out a pattern.

 

I also got gas - for 3.05 - every where else was running 3.19 and then on my GasBuddy app. for my phone said that there was an increase coming. So I was thrilled when HEB gas station still had their gas at 3.05.

 

I went by Aldi's and got groceries. They have some really great prices. If you have one in your area and have not checked it out yet- it is worth the effort. And no I don't get paid to advertise for them - I am just so thrilled to have this option of a place to shop and get some really good deals.

 

Ok - I better get off of here and get things done around here.

Hope you all have a great week end!! :O)

Fat is a Feeling too

I think I have already written about this once before but I had something remind me of this again recently and wanted to share.

I am two weeks post surgery. I am actually feeling pretty good, but I was feeling down just a few days ago- do you want to know why?

At the end of August - I decided to give up caffeine(which by the way was a good choice and I will explain later in this post) Anyway - I have also cut my soda's way down. I limit myself to one a day if I have one. Well I also started walking. Well in the 3 months since then I have lost right at 12 pounds. At the beginning of all this I had measured myself and then had measured myself about 1 month before surgery. Well last week I had went to look in my little booklet at my measurements. Well when I looked at it the first time - and then I measured my waist and it looked like I was about 4 inches up on my waist measurement. That discouraged me so very much. And it did not help that when we went to my Mother in laws for Christmas- my sister in law that had stomach surgery about 1 year and 8 months ago- had lost a total of 180 pound. Well the next day I measured myself again. And I thought- I want to go look at my measurements and see what the exact damage since surgery is. Well lo and behold - I had looked at the wrong page and come to find out - I only am up 1/2 inch or so on my waist - which is very understandable when you think of the incisions and the damage done down under the skin.

Once I realized that I was only up 1/2 inch and I have held steady the 12 pounds lost - my whole attitude changed! I no longer feel so fat. Sometimes we can feel fat by outside circumstances- by what we see on TV, by media, by other people and their actions or words. But we need to always go by the true facts. The true facts  - like our true value does NOT come from our size- but comes from the fact that we are a child of God. And I am glad that the fact that I thought were true - the measurements were the wrong measurements. And that the truth was that I was only up a little bit. But what I am truly thankful for is the reminder from God that I can not base my value on those physical facts, but I need to base my value on the value that God has placed on me. This is something that I struggle with - and I am sure that there are many others out there that struggle with this too. I hope that we will all learn to keep our focus on Jesus Christ and the value that He has placed on us. The great value - that caused Him to die on the cross for us - because He loved us and valued us so very much.

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Ok - I said I would explain why giving up caffeine had been a good idea. I have heard that caffeine causes hot flashes to be worse- so I am very glad now that I have up the caffeine. I just love it when I can see God working in my life. For example long before I knew I would have to have surgery - God inspired me to finally - once and for all...to give up caffeine

Body Image Issues

(second post of the day - don't miss the other one)

I am a plus sized woman and being so means that some styles just do not look good on me. So in some cases I decided I did not like a certain think and would not wear it- stripes around and capris are two of those things.

But this line of thinking began long ago. Way back to when I was in about the 1st grade. I had some how gotten the idea that sweat shirts were just to hot for me to wear. So or a long time I would not wear them. Then my Mom found a really cute sweat shirt and since we lived in South Dakota at the time and it was cold - I wore it. And I like it. After that I had more of an open mind when it came to sweat shirts.

Then later when I was late teen- early 20's - I had decided that capris were just not flattering for me - so for the longest time I would not wear them. Then one day about 10 years ago, while shopping with my sister, I tried a pair one and liked them and decided to give them a chance. Now when the weather is warm - I will probably be in capris. I do not feel that shorts are modest and so unless shorts come to about my knees - I just don't wear them. So capris are my go to choice when it is warm. So glad I finally gave them a chance.

Well recently I have chanced my mind again. This summer I found a cute summer top that had stripes around- yep- I got it and I liked it. I have since found a short sleeved top and a 3/4 sleeved top- that have stripes around. So now what I do is try to go more by how much I like the top - and if I think it is cute and looks nice on me - I will get it.

So what is this whole post about- when it comes to what you wear - try it- you might like it. And if you don't then you know that you are making an informed decision. Don't let your size totally dictate what you wear or don't wear.

“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
~Cheri K. Erdman

 

“One day I had to sit down with myself and decide that I loved myself no matter what my body looked like and what other people thought about my body. I got tired of hating myself.”
~Gabourey Sidibe

 

“Everybody has a part of her body that she doesn’t like, but I’ve stopped complaining about mine because I don’t want to critique nature’s handiwork … My job is simply to allow the light to shine out of the masterpiece.”
~Alfre Woodard

 

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
―  Steve Maraboli

Value= by Doing or Being?

Good Morning - I thought I would re post this since it is something important for us to remember in this world that is always pushing so many of its standards on us. The worlds value system is opposite from God's value system is. And I for one, want to keep my eyes on Him and realize that the world's value system is not something that I want to worry about.
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Recently I heard a great program on the radio - I think it was one of the Hope for the Heart programs. By the way, if you have a chance to listen to Christian radio - do so - it is great. If you do not have Christian radio in your area here is a link to our local station KCBI. There is a listen live button and you can also go and check out the programming. Lots of great stuff.
Anyway the one I was listening to was June Hunt talking to someone about their self worth. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. We are bombarded with the message that we have to fit some high standard to be accepted, to be of value and it is just not so.
June Hunt asked the lady if she was human doing or a human being?.... Just think of that for a bit...So many times we are lead to believe if we are good enough or if we measure up to this standard or that standard - doing, doing, doing enough - then we are of value. And this is just not right. Think of the word being for a minute - it is not an action verb. It is not what we do that makes us valuable.

"And God created man in His image; in the image of God He created him. He created them male and female." Genesis 1:27

We were created in the image of God. And not only did He create us and the world around us; but, He loved us so very much that He came down to this world and lived a sinless life and then died on the cross for our sins. That is how very valuable we are to Him. Now that is value.

He Has Chosen Us

Yesterday Debra over at As I See It Now shared a link to this series - "The Cure for the Insecure" and since then I have watched the first 3 of them. They are great. They are only 15 minutes long and how so much wisdom and truth in them. God Loves us because he made us - not because of what we do. This is not new to any of you who have read my posts in the past. I am pretty passionate about the fact that status, education, degrees, size, looks, amounts of money, etc. - that these things do NOT determine our value. And I love the way that Joyce Meyers presents this message.

This morning I listened to part 3 and was so blessed by the message that I just had to share this series with you all. In Part 3 she tells about how God chose us - and used a little example like going to the grocery store and picking out an apple. Now I know that when I go to the store and pick out my produce - I am pretty particular about what I get. I loved that example. God chose us and we are of value to Him.

She also shared that if we have a hard time believing or understanding God's love for us - that we need to take a college course on God's love. We need to dive deep into the word of God and see what all we can find on the love of God. He loves us - every single one of us!! And it is important that we understand that love. When we understand that love we are more fully able to see and understand our true value. May God bless each and every one of you and may you see God's love shining through into your life today and every day!! :o)

What "ruts" have you developed?

They say that when you continually think negative thoughts that it is like a dirt road - and when you continually travel over the exact same place on the road, there becomes ruts. When the ruts are formed it is hard to think anything other than those negative thoughts. And when you decide you want out of that rut you have to make a conscience effort to think positive thoughts.

Well I am finding out that it is the same way with judgemental thoughts. I have been paying more attention to my thought life ever since last week when I read, "Judge not, that you may not be judged." Matthew 7:1 I have noticed that I had fallen into a rut. And since the Holy Spirit had convicted me of how wrong it was of me to be that way, I have really prayed for help in this area of my life.

I grew up around a lot of critical, judgemental comments and attitudes. I mean seriously thinking about it - that is where the comments to my sister and I about our weight came from. You know comments like "no one will want to marry a fat girl" and things like that. Before we even realize what judgemental thoughts were, we were being judged and taught to judge.

This judgemental attitude not only affects our thoughts of other people but it also affects the thought about ourselves. None of those judgemental thoughts, whether they be about others or ourselves, do any good. The only way we can change these bad habits is to pray and ask for help. On our own, we can not conquer these tasks but with the help of Jesus Christ we can over come.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengtheth me." Philippians 4:13

God not only wants us to love Him, but He wants us to love our neighbors and ourselves. And love does not include a judgemental and critical attitude.

"...You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27

"in whom I am well pleased"

"And lo, a voice from Heaven, saying, This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Matthew 3:17

Up to this point in the story, we are told of Jesus being born of a virgin and eventually ending up in Nazareth(when it was safe). He was the son of a carpenter and worked with his father. Then Jesus goes out to Jordon unto John because He wanted to be baptized. John baptized him and the voice sounds from Heaven. "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." It was after this that Jesus began to preach and heal people. And yet his Father in Heaven as already well pleased with his Son. God loves us right NOW. Not just when we get better or more holy. These things will never come unless we accept God's love for us. Right where we are. He is the only one who can work in our hearts and lead us into the person He wants us to be. The people we were meant to be...long before sin entered into the world. God accepts us and values us and we need to accept and value those around us - not based on merit but based on God's love and grace. "But grow in grace and in knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen." 2 Peter 3:18

Lesson from a Bird

I have a window in my bathroom. I love it. It is so convenient because as I stand at my sink to get ready when I look at my mirror, I can easily look outside. This morning as I was getting ready the prettiest bird I have seen in a long time landed on the fence right outside my bathroom window. As it sat there in the sunshine - I noticed the beautiful shade of blue on him. How I longed to turn around and try to get a closer look, but I knew that the movement of me turning would scare him away. Then the little bird hopped to a spot on the fence that did not have the sunlight shining down on it. As the bird sat there in the shade, the beauty did not shine as brightly and all of a sudden I realized that the bird had been sent to teach me a lesson. I was reminded that when we are in the light of the Son our beauty - our true beauty shines through. I was reminded that when we get away from the Son - our beauty fades. Because true beauty isn't really able to be captured in photos -no our true beauty is on the inside.
I think it is so cool how God uses nature in order to teach us lessons that we may not get any other way. Be sure to take notice of the nature around you - what does it tell you of God's Glory?! :o)

*Not actually the bird but a photo close - but you would have to imagine bright sunlight shining on the blue and much closer! :o)

Seeing Myself Through HIS Eyes

Today my Mom posted a photo that was taken at Christmas time-it is a photo that has a history. You see this photo became a family tradition the year that my Mom and Dad got a divorce. When people would go to take our photo - my sister and I would stand on either side of our Mom. And after the first time that this photo was taken it just became a tradition. Here is probably the second one taken:

This photo was taken when I was like 12 years old. The year before this photo was taken was a rough year. There was no more time to be a little girl - I had to grow up. That is what divorce does to children- that is the plain truth. Adults think it is their life and they can choose to do what ever they want but what they do not understand is what it does to their children. Well that is really not what I meant for this blog post to be about but felt like I was suppose to write it - like someone needed to hear it. And for no other reason - I needed to get it out. You hold on to pain - pain that is so deep that you don't always realize it is there.

So what was this post about - I am still trying to figure that out. But it started with my Mom posting the photo from Christmas. And me - not being smart enough to pick out a slimming outfit. No- I go with a shirt that has fabric that feels so good - but that is sloppy looking on me - I did not figure this out until after I saw the photos. So what have I learned- anytime that I am going to my Mother's house for a holiday - to pick out a great outfit that is slimming, that don't mind having my photo taken in.

I have debated on if I wanted to use this photo or not. But I guess it is part the facts and so I should just post it - even if I don't feel like it is very flattering I need to be real.

Whoops - that is not it- that is just how I feel when I look at the photo.
So here it is- I actually wear a size smaller than my sister at this time - but the photo makes me look like the biggest one in the photo.

I did not like how I felt about myself when I saw this photo. I wish I could learn to accept myself better. I wish I would not be so harsh on myself. So I have a long ways to go on this journey. But putting God in the driver's seat makes it a much better journey. And if God is in the driver's seat then I need to keep in mind of how He sees me - with love and acceptance. And THAT is how I need to see me. :o)

A New Favorite Show/ What I Have Learned

"Fat things shouldn't happen to skinny people." a favorite quote from Drop Dead Diva

Good Morning everyone. It has been a while since I have updated my blog. Well I have a good explanation - good to me anyways. I was on Netflix updating our Queue and was looking at what other movies were available - when I came across what I thought was a movie and thought that it looked interesting, so I started watching it. I soon discovered that it is a series. Drop Dead Diva. I love it. What an awesome concept - a skinny actress has an accident and hits the "return" button and is sent back into the body of a plus sized lawyer. Maybe it is because I have always been on the heavy side - well at least since I was 12 or so- maybe was not fat but did not ever feel skinny.
So the idea of a skinny person getting the shock of living in the body of one not so skinny is kind of funny to me. So I loved it so much I had to watch at least a couple more episodes each day. I had my list of things to do and would work hard to get a few things done then it was time to watch another episode!

You know that is a good way to get things done on your list that you really need to get done but just haven't felt like it. Speaking of which, speaking of which - I finally got my fish tank cleaned. We had let it go for a while. I had realized that it needed to be cleaned pretty badly but then we had a fish that was not doing very well and I did not want to stress it out. Anyway it passed away so during one of my breaks - I cleaned the fish tank and have promised myself NOT to let it get in that bad of shape again. It is not that bad of a job - if you do it when you are suppose to and not put it off time after time.

Yesterday I mowed our yard for the first time this season. Part of the front yard really did not need it yet but the part that the aerobic system spray onto had gotten pretty tall and was making the yard look tacky. Anyway it felt good to have the job done and get to enjoy a pretty yard.

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I have shared in the past how I go to a 12 step program that is held at my church - We go by the 12 step books and some others - like "Hunger For Healing" which is a great book - it is about the 12 steps but from a more Christian point of view - none of the referring to God as your Higher Power - or questions of what your Higher Power would be. Anyway yesterday I finally figured out that when I am dealing with food - I am going to have to apply the first three steps.

1.We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

This was kind of hard for me to accept. Because somehow I had the image that those that were powerless over food - were like standing at the refrigerator door gorging on food till they could not eat another bite. And I knew that- was not me. But being powerless over food for me - means that when I crave chocolate- going to get it every time I want it. Or eating when I am not really hunger - those things finally helped me realize that I am powerless over food. I am SO thankful that we have a God who understands us and who loves us so much that we can call on Him when we are powerless over things. And when we can become humble enough to admit our problem- we have so much power available to us - through Jesus Christ.

If you are having a problem with something today- He is there waiting to help you - just ask. :o)

Always Changing

I used to be so resistant to changes. Now changes are not always my favorite thing but I am learning to try to see the good in the changes and not just automatically assume that the change is for the negative.

This morning I was reading a blog that I have read for years and as I was reading I was thinking about how much this person had changed and then as I was thinking I thought, maybe it is not them that has changed - maybe it is me that has changed and I am just not as inspired by this blogger as I once was. It really does not matter who changed -she or I. I realized from this line of thought how we do change - no matter how much we try to hold on.

Whether we like it or not WE are always changing. And those changes depend on the choices that we make. Are we making choices that will in turn bring us into a closer relationship with Him or are those choices taking us further away from Him? Those are very important questions to think about. These are questions I will keep in mind when I have choices to make. God bless each and every one of you and I hope you have a great week end! :o)

This and That

Yesterday afternoon, my husband and I were able to watch our granddaughter for a few hours to give her Mommy and Daddy a chance to go out. While she was here, I decided to see how much she weighed - I weighed myself first and then weighed myself with her and figured the difference. She weighs abut 25 pounds now. Then as I had written it down and realized that I have lot more weight than how much she weighs made me think about how when I carry her she is heavy and I used to be heavier than that- and so thankful for God's blessing and wisdom that finally got me on the right path.

We had a lot of fun with the Granddaughter, but I must admit it is a much harder job now that my husband is very limited in what he can do. And let me tell you - he loves that girl and wants to badly to play with her more than he is able to. But we made do and had a lot of fun.

And since I have a lot more extra time on my hands now - I will be spending some of it to work on getting the house a little bit more baby proof. There is cleaning and getting rid of stuff we do not need.

That has been one of the benefits of my journey - I am more able to let things go that I do not need in my life any more. I had let go of a lot of my grip on my job at the bakery already - more so because I have held on so tightly and wanted to do a good job and caused myself stress because I did not have the control of the bakery to make sure that a good job was done on everything and that all stressed me out in the past. But over the past several months God had already worked on my heart to let it go.

Remember a while back I shared the song - Surrender by Barlow Girl? Well this song really speaks to me and about this whole situation. We hold so tightly to our dreams that I think sometimes we don't allow God to lead us to the dreams He has for us. And I am sure that if I am fulfilling what God has in mind for my life I will feel more fulfilled. So I have let go of some things - not exactly on purpose or of my own doing but when doors are shut you really ought to move on. I am moving on. And I am looking forward to what God has in mind for me. Sure I am a bit scared - but that is so normal for me because changes used to be super hard for me - but I am learning that when God is in control - He gives you what ever you need in order to do what ever it is that He has asked you to do. That I am sure of! :o)

Freedom - Letting Go

Giving your spouse freedom to make their own choices can be very hard at times. I know this is something that I have found to be true. As I have shared(maybe too much) with you all - I have learned a lot of really cool information about taking better care of myself. And after hearing of a lot of success stories from people that have changed their lives, it is hard for me not to push my husband to make these same changes.

I would love for him to eat healthier, get more rest and exercise and drink the water that his body needs. And part of me thinks that it could make a big difference in how he feels. Well actually I think that he would feel a lot better, I don't know if making these changes could reverse the Parkinson's. I did not get a chance to ask the Dr about this. I know that these changes have reversed heart disease and diabetes. So I know that it would be a really good thing for him. And not only would it be best for him - but it would be a lot easier if we all ate the same way and if I could save the money that I pay for meat -and use it for more healthy foods. Trust me - I have been finding that it is not really expensive to eat healthy. But it is hard to continue to buy meat and make meat dishes -especially since I no longer eat meat. Well I do eat salmon when we go out - ever so often.

So to be honest - it is hard for me to just let him make his own choices. I am trying to let him make his choices and I am hoping that maybe if I give him the freedom to make his own choices that maybe he will be more supportive of me in what I am trying to do.

So even though my husband makes choice that I do not agree with - he is an adult and I need to give him the freedom to make his own choices. Yes - this is a post for me - talking my self into letting go of this situation. So anyway - that is where I am. I hope you all have a good week! :o)

Unique Journeys

Your journey probably will not look like mine, and mine probably won't look like yours and that's OK. God takes each of us on our own unique journey. And it is our choices that will determine if we stay on the main road or if we have to take detours.

This is a lesson that I have learned lately. I have shared before there is a couple that put on a 12 step type meeting at our church. I have been going to it for about a year or two. It has been helpful to me - to find out what my character defects are. After going to the meetings for a while, I began to feel frustrated - I felt so much pressure. One of the leaders of the meetings would share things that she has learned and how her life is and I would feel like if I did not go in the same route as her - that I must not be making any progress. Well I finally came to the realization that my journey will be different than hers - my life has been different from hers and it continues to be different from hers. I deal with situations totally different than she does and I do not need to feel like I need to be like her. God has a plan for each of our lives and that what I need to do is to submit to His will. And as long as I am allowing God to lead then I will be making the progress that He wants me to be making.

So our journeys will be different but if we are allowing God to lead - then the out come will be the same - we will be in God's will.

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6

God~You ARE the Boss of Me

Many times we want to be our own boss. This is not something new - it started with the entrance of sin into our world. A very good example of this comes close to the beginning of the Bible. It is the story of Cain and Able. God had asked them to sacrifice a lamb. Well with Cain, being a farmer and not wanting to ask his brother for a lamb, decided that it should not be any problem at all to sacrifice some of this produce. He thought that his way would be just as good as God's way. He did not want to follow God's instruction - he wanted to be his own boss. At the heart of this -is rebellion. Rebellion can get us in all sorts of trouble. It can close our minds so that we are unwilling to do God's will.

I have realized that I have been very rebellious in my life. Last night, I pulled a book out of my bookcase. I had remembered that it had some healthy recipes in it. As I remembered when I got this book, I realized that for many years God had known what was best for me and I had been rebellious - wanting to do it my own way. Wanting to be my own boss. So where did that get me? No where good. I have struggled and struggled. And when I finally turned my life and my will over to God. He was able to finally lead me and be my Boss.

You see about 15 years ago - I went to a Cooking Seminar and learned some awesome things. Well I am sure that it did me some good but I was to stubborn to totally accept what I heard. Then again about 5 years ago or a little longer I went to a different one and learned some more awesome information. I am thankful that I kept the books because they have been excellent resources for me and my sister. I am also so glad that God does not give up. I am glad that he patiently waited for me to finally come to the place of being willing to follow His leading. Oh the years that I have wasted by being rebellious - by wanting to do things my own way. I am willing now to say - God~ You ARE the Boss of Me! :O)

EDITED: To add photos of the two books that I got from the classes that I went to. Just in case anyone is interested.

Trusting God

Yesterday I got my very first comment from Anonymous they reminded me of something very important - that I need to not let a lot of this stuff distract me from trusting God~ I am paraphrasing but that was the message I got from the comment. And that is very true - I think the most important thing we can do is have faith in/trust God. Last year was a really rough year for us, I even suffered hopelessness - I don't know if I ever really shared that on here or no. Anyway if you want to read a little about it you can find it Here. In order to really realize how rough that time period was you would have to read other posts as well but basically- it was rough and I actually felt hopelessness for probably the first time in my life. But God did an amazing thing, He used this time period to teach me to totally depend on Him. And part of the totally depending on Him is giving our lives and our wills over to him. And by doing that you allow Him to lead you and to be willing to follow Him.



Part of allowing God to lead is also being willing to let go of the things that God leads you to let go off. I know that my going to this seminar was God orchestrated. And that it was very important for me to hear this information. I have already been able to put some of it into practice - and it has not been that hard. I am going to bed earlier - which allows me to wake up with my husband at 5am and stay up. And by doing so - I am able to get a lot more done in my day. I have not have a soda since Friday and I am not experiencing the caffeine withdrawal headaches at all, nor am I craving it! That is such good news because for years I have tried to give it up and it was just too powerful over me. And it also allows me to get enough water to drink each day - without over taxing my organs in my body by drinking lots of water and lots of soda. I am trying to incorporate more healthy meals into our diet. And I am eating more fruits and Veggies.



I have come to realize that right now I will not be able to make all the changes that I would like to make - but what is really awesome is that I am WILLING. This is the first time in 40 years that I have been willing to give up soda, meat and dairy - if that is what God wants for my life, and I think that speaks volumes of what God can do in our lives. And I am praying that if it is God's will for us to eat even more healthy that He will lead my husband to be willing to make the changes.



You know - I have struggled with giving up soda and caffeine for a long time. Well when I met my husband - he drank Dr. Pepper. And he would drink a lot of DP at times. Well what is so funny is the fact that for years I thought he would never give up DP - He gave up DP LONG before I have given up sodas. He mostly drinks Root beer now or Tea. So he is just as capable of making choices to improve his health as anyone. And I am not to be his Holy Spirit. I will try to make healthier foods for us while at the same time - having meat for him. It is doable. And I can just wait on God's leading for changes.



So remember the important thing is to Trust in God and to realize that He is in control - but that does not mean that we can just disregard the knowledge that He has given us in order to better take care of our bodies which are the Temple of God.

Making the Right Choice - Part 2

About 5 years ago, I decided that I would try to lose some weight. Well I worked SO hard and it took me about a year, but I lost about 50 pounds. I felt great. I was probably in the best shape I had been in for a while. Some how I fell off of the wagon and I ended up gaining the weight back. For several years, I had no desire to even try to lose weight - I would rather stay the same size as to lose weight and then gain it back. I also realized that I needed to learn to accept and love myself - exactly where I was. So I really began to work on the inside of me. As I have shared before - in my church - we have a couple who put on a Recovery Class. They have spent many years in AA and Al-anon and want to pass on what they have learned. It is a very spiritual program and helps with a lot of life's problems. So anyway I have been working on the inside of me - finding out what my character defects are and coming to the point in the steps to ask God to remove these Character Defects. See many times our Character Defects are assets that have just gotten off balance - and so like with me - a person that likes to help other people and is kind and giving - it went off balance and turned into People Pleasing, which is not good. With People Pleasing - you are doing things in order to make other people like you. So it is that the motives are wrong.

Then the other thing that was stopping me from trying to lose weight was - that I know how I have been able to lose weight in the past but then I have gained it back, a couple of times. So the phrase - you can't keep doing what you have been doing and expect different results kept coming to my mind and that discouraged me.

Well yesterday on my way to work, I was blessed to hear just a tidbit of a sermon but it was the message that I needed to hear. I can not remember word for word what he said but is was basically that even if you have tried things over and over in the past and it did not work - IF you are now in God's will - it will work. Wow!! Just what I needed to hear. I had already realized that the last time I lost weight I had not been in a relationship with God in which I looked to Him for my strength. I was trying to do it on my own. And what it did was made me prideful. With thoughts like "look what I did." And I can not remember if I have already shared this part with you all and if I have - sorry. I also made some not so modest choices with what I wore when I lost a lot of weight. They were not what a lot of people would say were bad choices but, to me - they were.

So now that I am well on my way to liking myself - for who I am (good and bad) I think I am ready, with God's help to make some healthy changes. I think for more permanent weigh loss- instead of going on a diet - I think better choice is making life changes. So with God's help - I am looking forward to what changes He would have me make. :o)