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Yesterday was a tough day - well the last part of it- I was very tired and emotional. I found myself discouraged and a little angry about cancer being a part of my life now. It really does effect you in many different ways. So much so - that it is even hard to explain all of the faucets of what makes it so hard to deal with. There are so many different issues. And sometimes I think that I have come to terms with accepting it and then something happens and I feel the deep hurt of it all over again. I think some of why I was feeling so discouraged about it all is because the Monday after my last chemo was so hard. And just thinking I might be facing that or even worse - since they say that chemo is cumulative meaning the more that you have the more it affects you.
I was looking over some of my paper work from my first chemo and read where my nurse had said to start taking my Zofran Friday evening. Well the last time I had not taken it till Sabbath morning because- it causes constipation - along with one of my chemo meds(if not both) and so I had thought since they give me meds before chemo that they would stay effective till Sabbath morning. Well there is a good chance that by choosing to wait that it could have caused me to do worse with the last chemo. I have also heard that it is best to take the nausea med when directed because if you let the nausea get out of hand it is hard to get it under control again. So this time I will be taking a Zofran on Friday night. And I am sure hoping and praying that I will do better this time around.
Another thing that has been hard on me lately is my weight. When you are going through Chemo is not the time to be trying to lose weight - I have been told this several different times- and I understand and know that it is best to try to take care of my self and not worry about that issue right now. But because of the extra steroids - I feel like I am struggling a little bit more to at least maintain my weight through this battle. Then, although I am very happy for my sister - she has lost 20 pounds- it still is a little bit sad to me because I am struggling to maintain. And then running and being a part of crossfit has become a very popular thing with many of the people that I go to church with. And although I know that this is a healthy thing - it discourages me a bit too - because I am struggling with energy to be able to do just the basics around here - you know the basic cleaning, cooking, etc. And I am good to be able to get out and walk sometimes. And so it is depressing because there has been a part of me that has always wanted to run- but there again - during this time in my life I need to be taking care of me and running would be too excessive right now. Anyway I know these are minor problems - considering all that I am facing right now - but these are just a couple of examples of why this journey seems so difficult at times for me right now.
To be honest half the time or more - I am accepting of what is going on. But I just felt like I need to be honest - cancer is very difficult to come to terms with. It is very scary to realize that something so deadly was inside of me growing and I had no idea.
The other scary thing that cancer does is now when I hear other people complain about different things- my mind goes to, "could it be cancer?" And I think about how I wish SO very much that I had have caught mine earlier so that just a hysterectomy would have taken care of the problem. So I am so tempted to say something or be worried that it is cancer.
Well I probably better get off of here and be productive for a while. Just wanted to share some of my thoughts and feelings.
Hope you all are doing well.
I am SO sorry about all the things you are having to face with this cancer!!!! While I have not walked down this same path! I do know that Jesus understands about EVERYTHING you are facing or feeling. I will pray extra for you tonight--hugs!
ReplyDeleteSweet friend of my heart, you have a right to get down. You are going through some very rough times, and you are only human. But, just remember, you are never alone in this journey. Jesus is carrying you, wiping your tears away, and loving you way beyond measure. I love you too.
ReplyDeleteIt is so completely natural for you to struggle. Your desires to lose weight and participate in the exercise you see other people doing are completely normal. I, too, wish you could do all those things right now, and not have to wait until after chemo. Your day will come. You'll be done with chemo, and then so many possibilities will be open to you again. Meanwhile, keep being kind to yourself, keep allowing yourself to own your feelings and grieve. Jesus can handle all your honest feelings and hurts, and He will be your comfort.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think of things this way: I can't do all I want to do because I have to focus on being a cancer mom right now. Those dreams are not dead or gone, they're just on a shelf, waiting for a better time. Just like when I had to put things on the shelf because my children were small babies. The time will come when you can pull those things off the shelf and give them your full attention. Right now, rest and recovery is the order of the day.
ReplyDeleteYou have my love and support.