A Little Black Cloud

I don't have a lot of time but wanted to check in to say that I am doing alright. Tuesday was a beautiful day here in Texas! Our temps were up in the 80's! I was able to sit outside as my granddaughter played in the sand box. A friend stopped by and we visited for an hour or so- and it was such a nice distraction to have a friend to visit with and get my mind off of the shooting pains and the queasy stomach.

Today it was chilly - we had a cold front blow in - literally over light. It was windy. Our high today was only in the 58 or so.
Today I called my oncologist's nurse to find out what my CA125 number was. This is a test that they do every Friday before chemo- anyway the number has gradually gone down since the first one. Not big drops or anything but a slow steady decline to the number. So today when the nurse told me my number and it had not gone down - but up, really discouraged me. It only went up 1/2 of a number- but still. I am in the middle of chemo- it should be coming down. Anyway it just totally through me for a loop. I mean seriously I am going through pain and discomfort and then to think that it is not even moving the number down like I wanted. I had really wanted to have the number close to zero at the end. And maybe it was my expectations that really got me discouraged today. Anyway it felt like a little black cloud was over me. And I was thinking oh man - just think once the chemo and all is finished then I, then too, will be having to have this same test done and worried about having a recurrence. And there is not much that I can do-worrying does not do me any good at all. And it all reminds me that I have to keep my trust in God. For taking care of me through this part of the journey - the chemo part. And continuing afterwards. God is in control.

I shared on Facebook about being discouraged and I am so thankful for so many godly friends who lift me up in prayer- because I really needed prayers. I got the news just before my husband got back to the house with our sweet grandbaby and I had really felt like I needed to cry- and I am thinking maybe had I had a chance to just grieve -what to me was bad new- then I might have been able to move forward but just had to hold it together and it made that feeling just stick around.

Anyway it has been a busy week with having the granddaughter every day but thankful that God has given me the strength and ability to enjoy the visit. She has been very good and we have sure enjoyed having her around. We will miss her next week.

Ok - I better get to bed- I am tired and I have had a hard time getting to bed at a decent time this week. Plus not getting as much rest as I usually try to get the week after chemo - I have not been sleeping as well- night sweats - waking me up along with the shooting pains. Anyway I hope you all are doing well. May God bless each and every one of you. :o)