Clinical Trial Appointment

Remember I have shared how my husband is in a clinical trial for Parkinson's? Well today was his 3 month check-up to make sure everything is going OK. We had to drive to a large town nearby. Well about an hours drive to the hospital. Anyway had not been prepared for the feelings that came over me when we got to the floor of his appointment. I had been dealing with the Parkinson's pretty well. But it was as if the feelings from several months ago flooded over me. I went to the bathroom and prayed that God will give me the strength that I needed to keep it together. I am so thankful that he answered that prayer. Of course tears had some to my eyes and I wiped my face dry. But when I cry my eyes get red, of course, but the color part turns more of a green color than their usual green. I had not planned on going back into the room with my husband but he asked and I figured I would do better if I was there with him than just sitting in the waiting room with nothing to do.(I had forgot to bring my most recent book)

We learned a lot of new information. My husband was the last person accepted into the clinical trial - for their hospital - I think is what the guy said. And it was going to be a 5 year study from when he joined. So the first person who joined actually started a couple of years ago and so that guy will continue on for another 5 years now. They drew blood and are checking out his kidney and I think they said either lung or heart function. Apparently there could be damage done by the medicine - if he is actually one of the one taking the Creatine.

As we sat in the little room waiting on the Dr an older man with a lady - we are thinking it was his wife were taken to the room across the hall. The lady was talking to the man - kind of like he was a kid. Telling him not to do something that she knew what she was doing. He finally said something like OK. In the conversation we could tell that he lived at a nursing home or such. And a little later she was telling the man that if a hallway had people in it that he needed to wait and let someone push him where he needed to go but if the hallway was empty he could go ahead and go where he wanted to- that way he would not run into people.

So with the feelings flooding back in and then over hearing this conversation really brought back to my mind some of the things that I have been concerned about. So I have been sad this afternoon. I decided I need to accept when I feel sadness - feel it - cry if I need to and then I can move on. I know God has a plan for our lives and I know that I need to trust Him. And I will in a little bit but right now it just feels too raw and hurts too much. This is a great time to get my bible study book out and see what I can learn - maybe I might just get my Bible out. I will spend some time praying and asking God for His strength. I have been learning lately that I need to surrender. And I am guessing I am at the point I need to surrender my life back to Him. I am just too much in the habit of trying to drive this bus all on my own. Oh and another thing I REALLY need to learn - unconditional love. I need to love my husband this way and everyone - but right now I know that God has really been laying it on my heart to love my husband unconditionally. Please pray for me as I try to surrender my life back to God and learn how to love my husband(and everyone) unconditionally.