Truths About My Life

Over this week-end, while spending time with family I found out something that kind of surprised me and in the end helped me realize some truths about my life.

For some reason the divorce of my parents, which happened 33 years ago, came up. My mother then continued to say that for me it was the worse thing that had happened to me. Apparently it had affected me much more than my sister who is a couple of years older than me.

Later in the day as I was thinking about this conversation - I realized some truths about it. I was young and I did not have very many tools of life in order to help me process things and help me understand what was going on. I had been so sheltered up to this point in my life.

I still remember the day - and the conversation that happened that day that I found out. My Mother, sister, and I were driving to some friends' house that lived several towns over from us. I was sitting in the backseat. My mother said that she and my dad were getting a divorce. The naive 11 year old in the back seat said, "What's a divorce?" I had no idea of what it was. And over the next few months we moved from the small town of Pecos, Texas to Oklahoma City. From a quiet neighborhood to an apartment complex in the middle of a large city.

The divorce of my parent's was a tough experience for me, and it caused me to have quite a bit of baggage that I carried into my own marriage. It has taken me years to process and unload that baggage...probably still have some of the residue left over from it.

And the conversation went on(this week end) I asked the question - "really? With me having a cancer diagnosis and all the procedures and chemo - and losing my hair and still in the middle of a hard part of it all - the part of having to go out in public with hair that is barely, maybe 1/2 inches "long" and you think that the divorce was the worse thing that has happened to me?"

As I thought of this conversation later in the day I realized the big difference of these two experiences. The first one- I was young and I did not have very many tools in which to use to help myself get through it. I did not have anyone that I could really share my feelings with. And probably did not even know how to share my feeling.

I have been blessed over the last 5 years or so - with learning more of the life skills in which to deal with the blows that come along with life. I have friends and family in which to share my thoughts and feelings with. And I have a much closer relationship with Jesus Christ - who gives me strength and courage to get through the bumps and blows of life. And although life can sometimes be so very difficult - I know that He is always there - that He will never forsake me. That no matter what happens -He is always there. 
 

True Worth...True Beauty

I may have already done a post about this and if I have, I am sorry to bore you but this is something that I have been struggling with/working through lately. It's about self esteem.

I grew up in a family where we(my sister and I) were not told that we were pretty for fear t hat we would get big heads. However, we had uncles who thought it was ok to say rude comments about our weight, and trust me my sister and I were not fat. We come from a family where our bone structure is large. A friend of mine says it's our German heritage - apparently Germans are built sturdy - at least according to her.

All of this along with my need to be perfect - a people pleaser really caused me a lot of grief my entire life. I could not even be happy with who I was and what I looked like- because I was not perfect. But what is sad is that I was fine. I have always been larger than the other kids in my class - for two basic reasons - bone structure and because I started school late so I was a bit older than my classmates. I look back at the few photos I have from those years and am so mad at myself for not just accepting myself. Why was I so hard on myself? Did it do me any good? No, not at all.

So lately I have been struggling with these feelings of not being good enough again. Partly because I have had to take steroids this year and ended up gaining about 20- 25 pounds in the last year. Not real happy about that but there is nothing I can do about it now. And beating myself up with negative thoughts will not change the situation.

I have made an effort to eat more healthfully. Adding more fruits and veggies to my diet. And trying to get more exercise.

One way that I worked towards getting more exercise this week end was for me and my husband to go to the Dallas Arboretum. We spent 3 - 4 hours there just walking around looking at all of the beautiful scenery. My husband enjoyed taking photos throughout. I will try to post a few of these photos tomorrow. Anyway while we were there - I know that I was feeling fatter than usual lately and that I would not be too pleased with photos of myself. I tend to be very hard on myself - you know - I am suppose to be perfect and I am SO far from perfect. Well I finally decided that I would allow my husband to take a few photos and just see what i thought of them later.

Well I was pretty happy to find a couple of them pretty ok. I am not real happy with most of them but I was not surprised at all.

I was proud of myself when I decided not only did I like a photo but I decided to be brave and post the photo to Facebook. You know for me that was hard because like I said I have such high standards of what I should be. But let's face it - I am in my forties now and I need to embrace who I am. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect as long as I live on this imperfect earth. Only when Jesus comes and gives me a new body will I have a perfect body. So I am working towards accepting me for who I am. The me that is heavier than I would like to be. The me who I am extremely too hard on. I am trying to remember that God created me and loves me and what is what gives me value. Not what I look like, not how much I weigh or don't weigh. No  -these things are temporal and when all is said and done - they will be worthless. The beauty that comes from within is the beauty that is what God is looking for. The beauty that comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ in which we become more and more a reflection of our Father. That is the beauty that will last. That is the beauty that will stand to the end.

 

 

So in order for me to work toward being a healthier and more complete me - I decided to also post this photo for you all to see as well. This is me. Me in all my imperfections - the me who wants to become more and more like my heavenly Father. And pray that as I turn my life over to Him - that He will transform into His image. May I not allow myself to be distracted by my physical imperfections-to keep those in their proper perspectives. May I allow Jesus Christ to reign on the Throne in my life.
I hope that you all will realize that God created you and that to Him YOU are beautiful. You may not live up to the high standards of what is perfect in this world, but remember this world is NOT our home. And the values of this world are not the values of our Heavenly Father. You are very special to Him.
Thanks for dropping by and I hope that you will have an awesome day! :O)

What "ruts" have you developed?

They say that when you continually think negative thoughts that it is like a dirt road - and when you continually travel over the exact same place on the road, there becomes ruts. When the ruts are formed it is hard to think anything other than those negative thoughts. And when you decide you want out of that rut you have to make a conscience effort to think positive thoughts.

Well I am finding out that it is the same way with judgemental thoughts. I have been paying more attention to my thought life ever since last week when I read, "Judge not, that you may not be judged." Matthew 7:1 I have noticed that I had fallen into a rut. And since the Holy Spirit had convicted me of how wrong it was of me to be that way, I have really prayed for help in this area of my life.

I grew up around a lot of critical, judgemental comments and attitudes. I mean seriously thinking about it - that is where the comments to my sister and I about our weight came from. You know comments like "no one will want to marry a fat girl" and things like that. Before we even realize what judgemental thoughts were, we were being judged and taught to judge.

This judgemental attitude not only affects our thoughts of other people but it also affects the thought about ourselves. None of those judgemental thoughts, whether they be about others or ourselves, do any good. The only way we can change these bad habits is to pray and ask for help. On our own, we can not conquer these tasks but with the help of Jesus Christ we can over come.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengtheth me." Philippians 4:13

God not only wants us to love Him, but He wants us to love our neighbors and ourselves. And love does not include a judgemental and critical attitude.

"...You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself." Luke 10:27

Judge Not

Mom's Toolbox is doing a Bible Reading of Blogging Through the Gospels. Click here if you would like to find out for about it.

I am not officially participating in it although I am reading along and have been thoroughly blessed by those participating. Today's reading was Matthew 7

"Judge not, that you may not be judged." Matthew 7:1

When I read this God conflicted me that I really needed to work on this area of my life. It seems to that too often we become so accustom to sin, that sometimes we do not even realize that what are are doing is sin. It becomes a habit that we do without even thinking.

2 "For with whatever judgment you judge, you shall be judged; and with whatever measure you measure out, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why do you look on the splinter that is in your brother's eye, but do not consider the beam that is in your own eye? 4 Or how will you say to your brother, Let me pull the splinter out of your eye; and, behold, a beam is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First cast the beam out of your own eye, and then you shall see clearly to cast the splinter out of your brother's eye. " Matthew 7:2-5

So after reading my Bible reading in Matthew 7. I decided to go check out all the verses that were listed on the cross reference guide and just for verse 1 I came up with a lot of them. "Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven." Luke 6:37

"Therefore you are without excuse, O man, everyone who judges; for in that in which you judge another, you condemn yourself, for you who judge do the same things." Romans 2:1

"But to me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you, or by a man's day; but I do not judge my own self, 4 for I know nothing by myself. Yet I have not been justified by this, but He who judges me is the Lord. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts. And then shall each one have praise of God." 1 Corinthians 4:3-5

"Do not speak against one another, brothers. He who speaks against his brother, and who judges his brother, speaks against the Law and judges the Law. But if you judge the Law, you are not a doer of the Law, but a judge. 12 There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you who judges another?" James 4:11-12

And I think that this next verse in important in our study of judging.

"And He said to them, Take heed what you hear. With that measure which you measure, it shall be measured to you. And to you who hear, more shall be given." Mark 4:24

And wouldn't you know it, once I had read his and started doing research for this post - then I found myself judging -and not just once. I really have a problem with this. This is just another area of my life that unless I have help from the Holy Spirit - I would fail. I pray that God will help me as I try to change this bad habit that I have, and that I will show mercy and grace instead. :o)

Acceptance

"Texas beauty queen denies ballooning to size 6"

I think it is so sad that someone who was picked basically to represent our state - is given problems because she gains some weight. They say that the average women in America is a size 14. So in the first place the woman that they chose to represent Texas is much smaller than the average woman. (I think they said she had been a size 2 when they picked her-how many women in real life are a size 2? I don't know if I know anyone that thin?..) And then when she gets almost half way to what an average woman's size then they give her a hard time and want to take her crown away her.

We wonder why so many young girls have eating disorders? And for that matter - I have heard that there are quite a few older women that have eating disorders as well. There is so much pressure to be a certain size or you are not acceptable.

For me- I will never be a size 6 - I am lucky to finally be getting very close to a size 16. And that is amazing for me. I was a size 16 when I got married and only made it back to that size 2 times since then. This time - I am hoping that since I am working on not only the outside of me but also the inside of me that maybe- just maybe I can get to a size and stay. When I got to my heaviest - size 24W - I was able to maintain that size for a long time. I think I sat there for several years.

Now I am working slowly to get to where I am suppose to be. I don't know where I will end up but I do know that where ever God thinks is the best place for me - will be the best place for me and I will be happy.

I am learning to like myself and be happy with myself. Those negative thoughts don't do us any good - and in fact they drag us down. So let's get in the habit of looking into that mirror and saying - I like me. I am beautiful- God made me and therefore I am beautiful. You are beautiful! :O)

Seeing Myself Through HIS Eyes

Today my Mom posted a photo that was taken at Christmas time-it is a photo that has a history. You see this photo became a family tradition the year that my Mom and Dad got a divorce. When people would go to take our photo - my sister and I would stand on either side of our Mom. And after the first time that this photo was taken it just became a tradition. Here is probably the second one taken:

This photo was taken when I was like 12 years old. The year before this photo was taken was a rough year. There was no more time to be a little girl - I had to grow up. That is what divorce does to children- that is the plain truth. Adults think it is their life and they can choose to do what ever they want but what they do not understand is what it does to their children. Well that is really not what I meant for this blog post to be about but felt like I was suppose to write it - like someone needed to hear it. And for no other reason - I needed to get it out. You hold on to pain - pain that is so deep that you don't always realize it is there.

So what was this post about - I am still trying to figure that out. But it started with my Mom posting the photo from Christmas. And me - not being smart enough to pick out a slimming outfit. No- I go with a shirt that has fabric that feels so good - but that is sloppy looking on me - I did not figure this out until after I saw the photos. So what have I learned- anytime that I am going to my Mother's house for a holiday - to pick out a great outfit that is slimming, that don't mind having my photo taken in.

I have debated on if I wanted to use this photo or not. But I guess it is part the facts and so I should just post it - even if I don't feel like it is very flattering I need to be real.

Whoops - that is not it- that is just how I feel when I look at the photo.
So here it is- I actually wear a size smaller than my sister at this time - but the photo makes me look like the biggest one in the photo.

I did not like how I felt about myself when I saw this photo. I wish I could learn to accept myself better. I wish I would not be so harsh on myself. So I have a long ways to go on this journey. But putting God in the driver's seat makes it a much better journey. And if God is in the driver's seat then I need to keep in mind of how He sees me - with love and acceptance. And THAT is how I need to see me. :o)

100%/100% NOT 50%/50%

"Love is tolerating someone long enough for them to mature to a point where they are tolerable."

This was a Facebook status of one of my friends. What a true statement!

You know, sometimes my husband can be hard to live with. And he would probably say the same thing about me. It is hard to live with someone else that was raised differently than you were.

And I think that this helps explain why we have so much divorce. People fall into love and as long as they are in the passionate part of love - they are happy but once their relationship loses that newly wed excitement - they think that the love is gone. They were in love with the feeling rather than the person.

Another important thing that people need to remember about marriage is that you each need to give 100% - not 50%/50%. We do not live in a perfect world so I know that many people find themselves in relationships with someone who barely even gives 50%, but I don't think that this relieves this person from their responsibility. And the way we do that is by building a relationship to the one who loves us the most and makes it possible for us to love without expecting anything in return. I know that is hard but we are held responsible for our actions - and I really doubt that God wants to hear us say - well he didn't give 100%. Did it work for Adam to say "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat."(Genesis 3:12) Did that excuse him from disobeying what God had said? No- and other people not living up to their responsibilities does not excuse us from living up to ours.

Thank you for letting me share with you all lessons that I learn. This was something that I know I needed to learn and it really helps me work through learning that lesson when I need to type it out for others to understand what I am trying to say.

Well I hope you all have a great day. :o)

What I Have Been Up To...

Good Morning everyone! The past 2 days I have spent some of my free time editing my blog. I really hated to do so, but if you had seen the content of the blog that I did - you would totally understand.

I had always thought that basically those that made it to my blog would come here from a blog that I enjoyed going to - and if so they would be the kind of people I would not mind sharing my personal information with, but for some reason - and I have not figured it out yet - there are people that have blog lists or websites in general that have blogs listed on them for no rhyme or reason. Anyway I will still try to be as transparent as I can - as long as I can keep my family and myself safe.

It was a blessing reading through some of my old blogs. I was really encouraged and inspired by it. So maybe all of this happened for a reason.

The past week we have been having some really pretty weather. I was able to get my rose bushes in the back yard pruned and the flower bed weeded. And I have been working on weeding out my garden boxes. My husband and I have been talking about and looking into what we will need to do to get our garden area ready.

I don't know if you can tell from this photo but it is where we had a 24 foot round swimming pool and so it is anywhere from 12 - 20 inches deep. And right now has a lot of stuff in it that needs to be burned. This photo does not do the area justice at all. So now we are waiting for a day that there is not much wind and somewhat rainy.

So as you can tell in the photo that the sun is shining - it is a chilly 39 degrees out there though. It has not been getting that cold at night lately, but yesterday afternoon when I went on a walk it was like about 74 degrees but I felt the cold air coming through. And it did not take long at all for the temps to fall.

So I will be doing some research on things that we will want to plant. Making lists of seeds and such that we will need. I sure hope we can pull everything together and be able to have a good garden soon. It will cost some money - to get dirt hauled in - but it will be a good investment.

We are going to have to buy a rototiller also and a few other handy garden tools. I am praying that God will work it out.

I hope you all have a great day. :o)

This and That

Hello~ I hope you all are doing well. Things here are going good. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time filing papers that had stacked up for too long. In fact - my little cubby hole where I put the papers to be filed was filled up to the top. So I got all of those papers filed away. And it felt great to have it under control finally. I also worked at getting my bank binder in order. It is set up so that each month you put your bank statement in that special area for that month- and I am hoping that when my bank statements come in I will take the time to get them filed away neatly and orderly.

Now that I have everything filed - I think that sometime later this week - I will take my filing drawer out of my desk and go through each folder - getting rid of those things we do not need. Yes - this would have been easier to do before I put the fresh papers in the files but I just did not think of it. Anyway it does not matter - the only thing that matters is that I am working towards being more organized. And that is a good thing.

I also organized the area that I put our bills in when they come in. There had been a pile of mail in there that was not important but needed to be disposed of in the proper way - like credit cards that I do not even want.

Today I had an appointment to get my hair cut. And while I was in town - I got gas, mailed out some payments, and went by two of my favorite thrift stores. One of the thrift stores has started a new system that each week a new color tag is on sale for 50% off - next week that color will be 75% off and then what ever is left the next week will be .50. And then the really cool thing is that like this week blue tags were on sale for 50% off - next week a new color will be 50% off and the blue tags will go to 75% of and so forth. I found a pair of jeans, a church shirt, a long sleeved "cowboy" shirt and a short sleeved shirt for my son, a 8X10 brand new shadow box - just waiting for someone to fill it up, a card, and some rolling pin socks for $15.75. I had not gone there looking for my son but it just happened to work out that way. Then I went to the Goodwill - there I found 2 adorable dresses for my granddaughter, 2- 3/4 sleeved tops for me and a tank top all for $16.? . I have shared this with you all before but I love to shop at Goodwill because every time you spend at least 10 dollars you get a stamp and once you have 10 stamps - you get $10.00 off of a purchase that is $10.00 or more! Isn't that cool? I was surprised that I found anything today - because tomorrow they plan to be closed to do inventory and they had let the stock run really low.

And let me tell you -my sister and I have found some great clothes at thrift stores in fact - I rarely buy things new any more. Especially now that I do not know where I will end up in sizes. So what I buy I might get to wear for a long time or it just may be things I use for a season or so. God has really blessed and clothes have continues to be wearable. I have went down about two size so far and I am much happier at were I am today.

Also an update - I had shared that I had gotten discouraged because I had gained about 2 pounds or so over the Christmas to New Years week - well I have lost it again. And it helped me learn a VERY important lesson. It is easier to lose 2-3 pounds than 20-30 pounds..And you may be say yeahhhhh???duh... Well the reason why it is profound to me is because I have have fallen off of the wagon before and I have gained all of the weight I have lost because once I have fallen off - I just start to ignore the scales and pretend there is not a problem or that I don't care. Well I am learning that not only is my new lifestyle of a plant based diet is a long term - the rest of my life decision -but that I have to continue to monitor my weight and not let it get out of had. Being in denial might make you feel better temporarily but it WILL hurt you worse in the long run. So continue to be real about your life and the choices you make - those choices all add up to the direction in which you are going. And each of those decisions are important - they really are. :o)

When I Almost Fell Off the Wagon

Several days ago, I shared how I was discouraged and even though I realized that I should be thankful for the fact that I had lost a good amount of weight - I was discouraged. And I almost fell off of the wagon.

This past week has been a tough one for me. I think one of the biggest factors was the fact that Friday evening we had our Christmas Dinner Get together at my Mother-in-laws house. I was worried about this since this would be the first time since my husband or I had seen her since she let me go. And I just did not know how she would act - or if I could be on my best behavior. So I did not make good choices half of the time. And then came the dinner - Let me tell you this - my MIL cooks with a LOT of butter and cheese. So things like broccoli and carrots that would normally be good choices of things to eat became fat traps. So after eating that fatty meal - my body kind of rebelled - yesterday I had a head ache. I have not had headaches like that in a while and I again made some bad choice - not really in what I ate this time, more in how much and also for the wrong reasons. Over the past week - I had gained about 2 pounds or so. And I was discouraged yesterday evening.

Well I went to my sewing room to finish up a Block of the Month block that I had and turned on a program that I had recorded. The program is called "Wonderfully Made" and it is on 3ABN. We have Dish Network and it is on 9393. Well the episode that I watched just happen to be about the benefits of a plant based diet and how even though the weight loss can be slow- that it is a more permanent weight loss since there has been a lifestyle change. This was so encouraging for me. I was so thankful that God had that program play - just when I needed it. And let me tell you - yesterday I felt like I was at the point of falling off the wagon, I was discouraged. I had not thought that I would face that feeling with this lifestyle change. But I did and I had a week or so of not making good choices and I am hoping that I have worked through these feelings. In the past, having that feeling and then making bad choices and gaining weight - would have been all it would take for me to totally give up. But I am not that person any more. I have help - I have a resource that is there for me when I need Him and when I choose to ask for help. I am going to ask God to give me the wisdom to make better choices and to strength to stand up to temptation. There are too many benefits to staying on this healthy new lifestyle - and so even if the weight loss slows - I will stick to it and take care of my body the way that God intended me to. :o)

A Recipe and Being Real

Good Afternoon~ I hope you all are having a good day. Today I worked on making up a menu and a grocery list. I wanted to get this stuff out of the way today because tomorrow evening we have a Christmas Dinner and my MIL's house. And I will have to make up few things to take as well. So I was happy to get my shopping out of the way.

I made up a batch of Taco Seasoning - I got the recipe out of one of my Tightwad Gazette books. Just in case some of you are interested in it- Here it is:

Taco Seasoning Mix

6 tsp. chili powder
4 1/2 tsp. cumin
5 tsp. paprika
3 tsp. onion powder
2 1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/8 - 1/4 cayenne pepper(optional)
This makes up about 1/2 cup of the seasoning mix.

It is a good thing that I just shared this recipe because I had forgotten to put the onion powder in my mix. I have now - so it is all good.

Well since I try to be honest here on my blog - I wanted to share with you all that I am a little discouraged. I have lost a total of 34 pounds...which is great - I know! And I am so happy about it but for the past week or so I have been sitting still- not losing. And I know that I do not need to be discouraged - and I think that is one reason why I am writing this and sharing it because I need to be real and then accept the situation that way it is. So I have been discouraged about this. Then I went and looked at my little notebook, the one that I use to record my weight and blood pressure information and I noticed that I had lost 5 pounds as of the first of Dec. Which for December is not very bad at all. In fact, many people gain few pounds around the holidays- so it is ok that I sit right where I am. Because at least I am not gaining.

With my husband being home and me adjusting to not working - has been an adjustment for me. I have really tried the past couple of days to get back on track - getting to bed earlier - before 10pm if at all possible. I have shared in the past that there is a special hormone that is released at about 10pm. And if you are asleep then the hormone can do your body the most good. And since I have been getting to bed earlier then I am also getting up earlier which is helping me to be back on the schedule that works pretty good for me.

The past two weeks I have had to bake up goodies for a few special people in our lives and so that has been more tempting to me - than usual. So that has not helped at all.

So anyway I have been discouraged but I am going to just take it all in stride - I did not gain all my weight over night and I can not expect to lose it over night. In fact, I have never lost weight this fast before..So I am going to Praise God for the blessings that He has provided - the knowledge and the success. And pray that He will give me the strength to move forward. :o)

Enjoying Your Blessings

In about 1997, I was working for my MIL at the bakery. At that time instead of a grill - she made donuts. About this same time period Star Telegram started doing a promotional - trying to sell more papers. So basically the idea was that the businesses that had the highest increase in business would win a really cool prize. A trip to Disney World - for 4 people - 3 nights. It was a great prize to win. Well at this same time the local school had an assignment for the kids which required them to use lots of newspapers for the project. And my MIL bought what ever papers were left over - since they used them for clean up with the donut equipment. I don't remember really hearing much about this contest. Until one day when I was at work my MIL said how would you like to go to Disney World? I answered that it would be nice but that I did not see that ever happening. At that point we were pretty poor and I knew that we could not afford a vacation away - anywhere. Well guess what? She had won the trip!!!

My MIL and her husband and her other grandson would drive to Florida - to visit my FIL's family and then they would meet up with us at Disney World. How exciting!!! We ended up going the last week of July - the only time our schedule would allow. We had a great time- long lines and it was pretty warm but it was a chance of a lifetime for my boys.

What is so sad is that I had the hardest time telling people about us going. Why? I guess I was embarrassed - like for some reason because we were poor - we did not deserve to go. How sad is that?.. I find myself dealing with something a little similar now.

Since I have been "laid" off - I guess I am feeling a little guilty for not working. Isn't that sad? Every other time that I did not officially work - I had children to take care of or homeschool. Now my kids are grown and I am not working - officially anyway and it is just hard to get used t00. I have a lot of things around here to do - to get this place more organized and in better shape.

I just think it is sad that the society 0r something has made me feel pressure to work. And that being at my home taking care of my family is not worthy enough of a "job." I am thankful that I have had these couple of weeks. For the first time in a long time I had time to focus more on my family and on the reason for the season. And during that time I regretted spending so many year working at the bakery and neglecting my family. Not having the time or energy to make the holidays as special as I could have done. But I realize what is past - is the past and there is Nothing I can do about that. But I can look to the future and I can learn to better prioritize my life. Put what is important at the top and drop things that are not as important to lower place on my list. And I am going to be thankful to God for the blessing of being a stay at home wife(as long as He choose that fo me.) :O)

So I am wondering - if any of you feel the way I do? :O)

God's Provisions

I hope that you all have had a very nice Christmas and that you were able to spend it with loved ones. Our Christmas has been very nice. It has been relaxing and restful. It has been such a different experience than in years past.

Last night I was telling my husband how sad I was that for so many years I worked so hard at the bakery that I did not have the energy to make holidays really special for my family. I did not have the time to set up good traditional things. So we were talking about some traditions that I would like to start now. And I am still thinking of some things that would be good traditions.

Yesterday while I was wrapping presents, I was looking for a box. As I was looking for a box - I remembered that my husband had bought me a pair of tennis shoes just a month ago. With working at the bakery - I walked on concrete floors a lot and it would hurt my feet. So he had bought me a new pair of shoes so that if I needed them around the holiday baking. I was so happy. Then a little bit later - my husband was looking for another box and guess what he found? ....A box that had a brand new pair of tennis shoes for him! Yep- These shoes had been bought several months ago and were forgotten about. What is so cool is that he had told me just before the surgery that he would probably need a new pair of tennis shoes by the time he went back to work. And now that I am not working and we have a couple of medical bills - things have felt a bit tight. And I have worried a bit about it. But it was such a blessing to realize that we each had a new pair of shoes and so that is one area that we do not have to worry about. What a blessing - a special blessing from God!

And if that was not thrilling enough - earlier in the same day - I am working on getting some wood that we had stacked in our garage and as I was working there - I noticed some boxes. And I pulled a box down and realized that they were boxes of some of my smaller clothes. What is sad is that I tried on a few pairs of the pants and they were already way too big. I did find a night gown that fits me great right now. And filled a need that I had. I was going to just use the one I had as long as I could. I found a winter robe - to big for me now. And some summer stuff - the only problem is that the shorts fit now. So I am not sure if they will be useful at summer time. But if not - they will help my sister. And some of the other stuff - I will be finding someone who needs the things to give them too.

Anyway by the end of the day - I sure felt like God is really truly in control. He knows what we will need and he provides. Sometimes it is in weird ways like - us buying things and forgetting that we had bought them..but all in all it is still God providing. And for us - we got a real laugh out of yesterdays provisions! :o)

In the Hands of God

Well Good Morning my friends~
Lately it has been hard to stay on my new schedule that was working pretty well. With my husband being home since his back surgery - means no more alarm going of at 4:40am. And to be truthful that is a bit early for me - but I really am thankful that my husband is able to go to work before the morning heavy traffic and is able to come home before the afternoon heavy traffic s0 we go with it in stride. My biggest problem has been getting to bed at a decent time. I think that when my job crumbled away to nothing - really impacted me and it took me a week or so to just deal with it, in the mean time - I stayed up too late and slept too late. Not only that this week has been full of baking and then of course since I was baking I had to have at least one of each treat that I made. My sister and I both have had to deal with extra temptation this week. And yesterday was my families Christmas get together. So my sister and I just decided that - we will get on track tomorrow and so we enjoyed our dinner together. I still have 2 Christmas dinners to get through but I am getting back on track so I think it will work just fine. I had also reminded my sister that many people gain about 5 pounds or so over the holidays, she and I both have lost weight since Thanksgiving so - if we can maintain this week and then get back on track - that will be a success for sure.

So last night I did my best to get to bed earlier than I have been - it was still a tad bit later than I wanted to - but at about 5 am - I woke up and could not go back to sleep. Talk about getting back on track. Anyway I think I will do one of my Leslie Sansome walking tapes in a bit so I can get some exercise. It is suppose to be rainy today so I will probably not get out for a walk later. And I will be making up one of my meals - I am thinking the Coconut Curry with Greens recipe and that way I have a good, healthy food for a few meals. That makes it so much easier for me t0 be able to cook for the family and still have a healthy meal myself.

And look at the verse that I was reminded of:

"Rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. " 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This verse really spoke to me because it talks that this is he will of God and I know that the best place for me - IS in the will of God. And I will be honest - when I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I felt that I had not been appreciated by my MIL and started to pray for her - to have strength to get through the holiday baking(even though the first time or two was difficult and I had to insert in the prayer that I still wanted her to realize how much I did) it has softened my heart and allowed me to look at the positive side of everything. It is so nice to know that even though things do not go according to how you thought they would - that it is the will of God. And when you know that - you can breath easier knowing you are in the hands of God. :o)

Sometimes our past has the keys to our feelings today..

Way back when I was about 9-10 years old, I went on a camping trip with my church. Our church has a youth group called Pathfinders and this was a camporee - where a lot of different clubs got together. I lived in Pecos at the time (this photo is actually the year before - the story I am about to tell, but it gives you an idea.) We were going to stay at the Davis Mountains for our camporee. Well I had packed up my clothes and all and got busy doing something else. Then we got loaded up into our van - photo below.

My sister had ridden up with some other friends and so it was just my Mom, Dad and I. It was a long trip and my Mom and I got tired so we went to the back of the van to rest. My Dad stopped or gas and while he was getting gas - my Mom and I went to the bathroom. Well apparently he did not realize that we had went to the bathroom cause when we came out of the bathroom - he was gone. Well it was getting late and the gas station would be closing soon. There was no way to get a hold of my Dad. And the gas station that we were at was in a bad part of town. Well we went out and sat on the curb. I remember my Mom being really upset and crying and I tried to tell her that Daddy will realize we are not with him and be back soon. Well he did come back. We got to the campsite and low and behold - my suitcase had not made it to the van. So I had ONLY the clothes on my back to wear. Well an old lady from our church said that since she was not too much bigger than me - she would share her clothes with me. I remember feeling dumb wearing old lady clothes that did not smell very good.

So why am I sharing this story today? Well the last couple of days I have been discouraged. I continue to lose weight which is great! I am so thankful to God for giving me the wisdom and knowledge needed to be successful. Anyway so I am making due on my clothes as much as possible - I have bought some things from Goodwill but the more I lose the less clothes I have to wear. And now that I am out of a job - I am feeling discouraged because I don't know if we can afford for me not to work - let alone - go buy clothes. So I have been stressing about this. And God brought the verses that I share earlier with you all about God taking care of our needs. This is a great promise and even though I don't now how He will do it - I am choosing to trust Him. And then this afternoon, I ran to town to take care of an errand and on the way back - I remembered the above story. I remember not having things to wear that I liked and the feelings and then I realized that - that was the fear that I had. I am doing the best I can to bless others with the clothes I no longer need. And I am sure that God will provide what I need - when it is needed.
And God will provide for you as well. :o)

Sabbath Praise/Update

I know that I had said I would do Christmas music, but I am sure that you all are hearing plenty of Christmas music already. This morning - I weighed myself - and as I saw the number all of a sudden I thought - Victory In Jesus! And I thought - that is the perfect song to share today. It did not come from me - since it has been years since I have heard this song. Anyway Praise God for all of His blessings.

I did not feel so blessed yesterday- as I thought more and more about my MIL choosing to let me go rather that work with me on the schedule it really began to hurt. I did not feel appreciated for the many years that I had worked there. I had even replied to her and told her that when I got her e-mail that it had hurt and I went on to Thank her for letting me for there for as long as I did and that I had enjoyed my job. In her reply there was nothing at all about thanks for the hard work that you have given all these years. But I should not have expected anything like that really. It is our expectations that get us into trouble - and I know that. And anyway she just in not a very appreciative person. Anyway I am so thankful for all of my friends and family who understand how I feel and are supportive. I got a quote from someone who really loves me and appreciates me and I wanted to share it with you all. Some of you may have already seen this but it is encouraging and I wanted to share this just in case it encouraged you as well.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Every story has an end, but in life every end is just a new beginning."

I was reminded by a friend to look to Jesus for Emotional Healing. And I will claim - Victory in Jesus in this situation as well. I hope you all have a great day! :O)

Breathing Easier

I have worked in my MIL's bakery for many years(which a break in there to give me time to get our house ready to sell and to move and get settled.) I have enjoyed my job most of the time. But there were many years that around Thanksgiving and Christmas - things would get tough. With it only being my MIL and myself working there - sometimes it was overwhelming to get the 70-100 pie orders. And there were some mornings( the 2 days before Thanksgiving were the worse) that I would cry because I was so stressed out at how much work we had to do. Well last night I cried but for a different reason.

But in order to get to that part of the story we need to rewind just a bit.
Well yesterday morning, I felt like it was the right time to write my MIL an e-mail to ask her about changing my schedule so that I would not have to be around the cigarette smoke. I had felt that this is what I needed to do for my health. I had realized that there could be some consequences for what I did. I have worked with my MIL long enough to have a feeling of how she would react. But I had hoped that she appreciated what all I did for her and be willing to work with me. Anyway I was a little apprehensive after I sent the e-mail. I then decided that I had turned my life and my will over to God and that I felt like this was what I was suppose to do and that I needed to leave it in His hands.

I went on a good walk with my Mom and then just after my lunch my sister called and asked me what I had planned for the afternoon - I said going to Goodwill with you. Well that was because all of a sudden I realized that it was half price day at Goodwill and she had just told me she was headed home from work. So I drove to her house and we drove to one of the local Goodwills that we don't normally get to go to. We spend a few hours but I ended up with 7 shirts - one for church- for only about $2.00 a piece. And that is a great price to pay for clothes - especially if you do not know if you will be wearing that same size the next winter. I need to go through my closet and try stuff on because I realize that a lot of it is getting to baggy to wear. Anyway I will try to do that later today and then I can replace those items with the ones I just bought.

I did not make it home till a little after 7pm -(I had to stop by pharmacy to get my husbands meds too) and then checked my e-mail- and sure enough there was an e-mail from my MIL. And it seems like I started the week with a job and will end it without one. I was not surprised, but I was hurt. I was hurt because I did not feel appreciated enough for her to work with me. She basically told me to take the next couple of months off. And she never did say that the schedule that I had asked her about would work then. So I figure this was her nice way of ushering me out of there. You know why would I just take a couple of months off. Anyway so I was sad.

But I am still trusting God. And I realize that it is the best thing for me. Because no matter if anyone is smoking there or not -there are enough chemicals in that building from ALL of the smoking that goes on - that it would still be dangerous to be there.

I am so glad that God prepared me for this outcome. I told my MIL to let me know when she wanted me to come back and that there was a chance that I may not be available because if God opens another door - I will have to follow His leading. So sometimes God opens doors and sometimes He closes doors - we just have to learn to trust Him ALL of the time. :o)

* Thanks Judy for the idea for the title of this post :o)

No Safe Level of Exposure

So I shared a while back that I work in an environment of cigarette smoke. And how I thought that I am becoming more and more sensitive to it. Over the week before Thanksgiving - I worked around a whole lot of it and I kept getting super hot and nauseous feeling. I would have to go outside to get some fresh air in order to feel better. That went on - off and on - throughout that week. Then today at work - I started to feel that way again and then as soon as I felt that sickness come over me I could distinctively smell the smoke(even though those smoking were in the front part of the store.)

I had already realized that I needed to try to work some way out in order not to have to be around the smoke as much. I had been praying about it. And I had left it in God's hands this morning. I went to work and when I got to feeling sick - I realized that I needed to talk to my MIL about it. I was SO nervous about it. I don't want to hurt her feelings. Well God opened a door for me to talk to her. And the result of the conversation was not what I had wanted. We have had some problems with out oven. We actually have an old Pizza Oven that we use. Well the top half had gone out and the bottom part was not working as well - so my MIL called a repair man. He came out and said that it would cost too much to get it fixed and so it would be better to get a new oven. Well when I told my MIL that I was becoming more sensitive to the smoke - she tried to put it off onto just the heat of the oven. Well the oven was not even on when I was there this morning so today's feeling sick could NOT be the oven.

So I left just feeling kind of defeated. I had really felt that I was suppose to talk to her about it. And so I just felt that maybe it was going like it was suppose to. Nothing was really decided. I had asked to go in on Sundays - when the store is closed to make up the Kolache Dough and the Cookie Doughs. Like I said nothing was decided.

So I got home and decided to look "Second Hand Smoke" and you would not believe all the information that I found.

"The scientific evidence shows that there is no safe level of exposure to secondhand smoke."

This just totally told me that I HAVE to make a choice. You know once we know truth - we are responsible to act on that truth. If we do not - we really are still acting on the truth - and we have just decided to ignore truth.

There is so much information out there and if you are interested in the information just put "secondhand smoke" in your search bar.

Here is a list of Cancers that have been linked to second hand smoking:

Lung Cancer - one site states that 3000 nonsmokers die every year from lung cancer caused by second hand smoke

Nasal Sinus Cavity Cancer

Cervical Cancer

Bladder Cancer

And exposure to second hand smoke hastens hardening of the arteries, a condition known as Atherosclerosis. One thing that I read on several sites is that not only are the rates of lung cancer higher in people exposed to second hand smoke - they also have a higher chance of heart disease.

Oh and here is something interesting - Children that are exposed to second hand smoke - have a lot more dental cavities. That was news to me. I realized that it caused breathing problems like asthma, bronchitis, and the such...

Anyway so once I realized that there is NO safe level of exposure - I knew that I have to make the changes. I have been open to making the changes that God has led me to so far - and I have to be willing to make the changes needed since he has brought this to my attention. God is in control and I have faith that the best place for me to be is in the will of God.

What Are You Absorbing?

There are many times that I wish that I was a better writer. There are so many blogs that have wonderful writers. And when they have a message they are able to say it in such eloquent ways. Anyway here is what I have been thinking about today.

First of all, we absorb what we spent the the most time doing. Are we spending our time watching TV and reading secular magazines and watching the news? Well if we are spending most of our time in those areas- then we will be absorbing worldly view and secular ideas. I think that slowly our views, ideas, and morals change as we devote so much time to secular input.

But if we want to reflect God's character, then we need to devote more time studying the Bible and in prayer. And we need more quiet time, when the TV or Radio are going all of the time and it is always noisy around us - we don't have the ability to hear what God has to say to us.

I mean think about it - the only place - yes the ONLY place that we can find truth is in the Bible.
When we read the newspaper, or a magazine - are we reading something that is true? Who knows - I know that just this week I spent a few minutes reading a magazine that my sister had giving me and I was amazed at a few things that I read - just from the knowledge that I have have I recognized it as error. And when we watch TV and the News - is it truth? It is more than likely propaganda - some of it might be true but there is no telling.

I am challenging myself to spend more time in the Word of God, more time listening to Christian music, more time listening to Christian Radio - I want more of God in my life - not more of the world. :o)

Freedom - Letting Go

Giving your spouse freedom to make their own choices can be very hard at times. I know this is something that I have found to be true. As I have shared(maybe too much) with you all - I have learned a lot of really cool information about taking better care of myself. And after hearing of a lot of success stories from people that have changed their lives, it is hard for me not to push my husband to make these same changes.

I would love for him to eat healthier, get more rest and exercise and drink the water that his body needs. And part of me thinks that it could make a big difference in how he feels. Well actually I think that he would feel a lot better, I don't know if making these changes could reverse the Parkinson's. I did not get a chance to ask the Dr about this. I know that these changes have reversed heart disease and diabetes. So I know that it would be a really good thing for him. And not only would it be best for him - but it would be a lot easier if we all ate the same way and if I could save the money that I pay for meat -and use it for more healthy foods. Trust me - I have been finding that it is not really expensive to eat healthy. But it is hard to continue to buy meat and make meat dishes -especially since I no longer eat meat. Well I do eat salmon when we go out - ever so often.

So to be honest - it is hard for me to just let him make his own choices. I am trying to let him make his choices and I am hoping that maybe if I give him the freedom to make his own choices that maybe he will be more supportive of me in what I am trying to do.

So even though my husband makes choice that I do not agree with - he is an adult and I need to give him the freedom to make his own choices. Yes - this is a post for me - talking my self into letting go of this situation. So anyway - that is where I am. I hope you all have a good week! :o)