Stepping Out In Faith... update

So..... I got my pretty summer top in the mail this week. And unfortunately it fits a bit tighter than what I like to wear my tops, but I was able to get it on- so that is good. It is a good thing though- because it is a goal- by next summer I will be able to wear this top. I have a favorite pair of "Smith" capri's that I am working towards wearing as well. I am so very happy to have these things to work towards.

Goals are good. They help keep you on track. When situations arise - you are able to make better choices especially if you have goals. So I continue on in my journey to lose weight.

Oh and since it is almost the beginning of another month - I will give an up date on weight loss. I have lost a total of 12 pounds! Basically about a pound a week which is a pretty good pace. I know that the weight could be lost quicker - but I am doing a life style change - something that will out last the weight loss and in order to stick with the whole journey - I have to live in a way that I can live with the rest of my life. This means that sometimes I will have meals that fall under the title of a cheat meal. And that is alright. Especially if it is special occasions and not all the time. Ever so often my husband and I are in the mood for a soda- so we split a 12 oz can of root beer. Or I am in the mood for dark chocolate(which reminds me - I need to get some put on my grocery list) and so I allow myself to have some. We also get sugar free fudge pops that are low in sugar and fat and that is a desert ever so often.

Losing weight at a slower pace also allows your skin to keep up with the weight lose and you end up with much less skin sagging. Anyway I am thankful for my weight loss and I know it is only because of the help from God. I pray and ask Him to guide and direct me each day and to help me make good choices. I also try to remember to pray before I eat and ask Him to help the meal to be satisfying.

Anyway there you have it - I have a cute outfit that I will have to wear next year. And when I put it on I will instantly be able to see how far I have come in this journey. And I have happy to have lost 12 pounds. I am 38 pounds away from my goal of 50 by 50. Yay!

When the Heart Softens ~ Me - then/now

This past year has been such a hard one for me. And I think that through the brokenness I allowed myself to get a little hardened. I noticed I did not have as much compassion for others as I used to have. I think that I cried so many tears since my diagnosis that I just ran out of tears, not literally but I was so tired of crying that I pushed my feelings as far back as I could.

My husband and I would watch movies - and at moments in the movies that I would normally need a towel or kleneex I was finding myself emotionless- maybe a bit sad but not at all like I used to feel. But somewhere in the last week or two something happened - I remember the moment but don't remember what led to it. It was like - I can feel again. As I write these words I hope that I am not giving the idea that I turned into a stone wall - because I didn't swing so far the other direction as to become that hardened - I just worked hard to protect my heart. I didn't want it hurt any more. And when you allow yourself to feel emotions deeply - you hurt. Before the diagnosis I had been through some situations that I had felt had totally broken me - but I was wrong. Coming to terms with cancer and all the feelings that go along with it tends to cause brokenness....at least for me it did. And it hurt. I can't even begin to tell you how many tears I cried over the loss of my hair. Some might say that is pure vanity - and it might be. But when your hair is your best feature- it really is hard to lose it.

This is a picture that is actually a couple of years before my diagnosis:

Anyway now I am beginning to feel again. When I am watching "Chopped" and hear of a man who is raising his 3 children alone now because his wife died of inflammatory Breast Cancer last year- I tear up. My heart is saddened for him and his children. And although it hurts- it also feels good because I am beginning to allow myself to have compassion again. I am not afraid to cry. I might not be back 100% - but I know that I am not where I was.

Here is an updated photo of me taken yesterday:

Sorry for the fuzziness. I need to try to figure out what I can do in order to take clearer photos.

I had a hair cut earlier this week. It has been about 2 1/2 months since my last hair cut and I needed to get the split ends off and shape up some.

Notice also that my mole is gone. There is a red spot there where it is healing. So glad that is behind me. Glad I did it when I did- especially when I looked at our insurance website and noticed that it cost over $200.00 to remove it and then about $150. to send the mole to a lab to have it tested- thankfully it was not cancer. Praise the Lord for that blessing.

 

Anyway I just wanted to write my feelings down and process my thoughts- wish I had have done it when I first noticed that I was allowing myself to feel again - it would be neat to remember more of the details. What ever the cause - I am glad because in order to share God's love with other's it pretty important to have a heart for people. And I had been trying desperately to protect my heart. Still wanting to protect it but wanting to allow God to love others through me as well.

 

"A Hunger For Healing"

This is something that I put together a couple of years ago. But I think that the information here is very valuable, so I am reposting it for those who may not have seen it when it was first posted:

Twelve Steps of Sinners Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over our Sin, that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awaking as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

There is a couple at my church that have a real heart for people and helping them along their journey towards being the people that God intended them to be. Every Monday night we have a meeting. Each week of the month we read something different - on the 3rd Monday night of the month we read " A Hunger for Healing" by J. Keith Miller.

"It is the pain of living that creates a hunger for healing that only God can satisfy."

 

"...the Twelve Steps bring biblical principles of faith to bear on the pain of contemporary people in a way that leads sufferers into a closer living relationship with God and frees them to live a meaningful life seeking God's will."

 

You do not have a to be an alcoholic in order for the 12 steps to help you. The principles are very helpful to everyone. There is a lot of unhealthy thinking that many of us do and those habits that we get into turn into character defects. This program helps us to realize what our character defects are and helps us turn them into assets. Well that is what I have been told. I am still in the process of this journey in my life. These meetings have been very beneficial to me.

The AA program was developed back in 1935 but it is still very relevant to us today.

Just Not Gonna Go There

 

 

 

A friend "shared" this on Facebook. And when I read it - it reminded me of a blog post that a fellow blogger had posted about- a conversation - that was obviously satan trying to discourage this lady. And he was saying all sorts of negative things to her. Her response - was to look to God's Word - for the truth.

I have a problem with those negative thoughts in my head and lately I have gotten into a habit of saying these bad thoughts out loud. During some quiet time this morning - I realized that this was something that I needed to stop. Bad thoughts will come into our minds and we may not be able to stop them from coming -

 

    "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour."

1 Peter 5:8

 

BUT we can choose not to Go There. So I have decided the next time that those negative thoughts come to my mind instead of allowing my mind to dwell on it or say it out loud- I will say to myself - or who is bringing those negative things to my mind - "I'm just not gonna go there."

 

And instead I will claim verses like these:

 

    "So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female

He created them."   

Genesis 1:27

 

    "But now, O Lord, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand."

Isaiah 64:8

 

    "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well."   

Psalms 139:14

 

"I'm Just Not Gonna Go There"

 

And this also is a good way to deal with the family or friends who knowingly or unknowingly try to get us down with what they have to say. I have a family member who bless her heart thinks she is helping but sometimes she tells me things or go do the worse case scenario about some of the difficult things going on in our lives right now - and it is things that do nothing but cause fear and anxiousness in my heart - and that kind of fear is not of God.  

 

 

   For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

So I will have to keep this phrase, "I'm Just Not Gonna Go There" in mind for these conversations as well. I may not use those exact words every time - but I will be bringing the focus back to God being in charge of what is going on and if they continue with their unhealthy (at least unhealthy way for me to look at this situation) then I might have to use that exact phrase. 

In any case - it is really a good idea to have a game plan in place just in case you are faces with a situation like the two above that I have shared today. We have the right to decide just not to go into conversations or thoughts that are not healthy for us. This is just part of making boundaries and boundaries are healthy for us- especially when they line up with God's Word.

 

Dysfunctional Merry-Go-Round

There is a lesson that I have learned in the last year or so, but sometimes I tend to forget it. But once the ugly head of dysfunction raises its head - and I begin to react to it... I come to remember it again.

I believe we all deal with a little dysfunction in our families. Because sin entered the world - we now have dysfunction. And it can cause some bad effects such as your peace being stolen. That is what happened to me recently.

I was speaking to a family member about a difficult situation that our family has been going through and this person started telling me all sorts of not to positive information - kind of like worse case scenario's-   and as she was talking - my peace slowly was draining out of me. Some people might think that I have my head in the sand but that is not the way I look at it. I just want to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust Him. And this conversation was not at all helping me do that. I am sure this person thought that they were helping prepare me - just in case..... I got off the phone as soon as I could.

I had no peace. I was so thankful that my husband was home and I was able to tell him about the conversation and how upsetting it had been for me. It took a little time for me to work through these negative feelings and come to a place of peace again. While we were talking I realized the lesson I had learned - in all of our families there are dysfunctional merry-go-rounds and we can either stay on them and ride OR we can choose to get off of them and step away. Staying on and riding is not fun. It steals my peace. So I choose to get off.

I have realized that I need to learn how, while in these conversations that try to pull me back onto the merry-go-round, to let it be known that I do not want to get back on the merry-go-round. I need to have the courage to stay off. And believe me - when being pulled back on- it takes courage.

There are some situations - even in our families- that we need to step away from in order to have peace and sanity. So I am choosing to stay off. And if I find myself on the merry-go-round - I will get off as soon as possible. I hope you will too. :O)

Following the Nudges of the Holy Spirit

I did something last night that I don't like to do. I stepped outside of my comfort zone. The Women's Ministries at my church had a meeting last night. It was about Prayer and Praise. Well at the end of the presentation, the lady asked if anyone wanted to share a verse that has meant a lot to you or a praise report about something God has done for you. Well I felt a nudging to share what God has done for me recently. I think it is easy to forget what God has done for us and allow ourselves to think we have done the things on our own. So I thought it was very important to praise God for bringing the information of the seminar by Dr. B. and for what all God has done for me since then.

Stepping out of my comfort zone was not something that I would have chosen to do but I had felt a nudging from the Holy Spirit and it is best to follow His leading. And once I was done - I was glad I did it. I need to have reminders of the fact that the things I do are not because I am so strong or so good - it is only because of the strength that Jesus gives to me - that gives me the ability to do anything good.

I do not like to talk in public to groups of people. I really don't. In fact, even after I had shared half of my story, I started to hear my voice quiver. Anyway I wanted to give God the Glory. He deserves so much more praise than what He gets.

Each time that we follow that nudge and do what we feel we are suppose to do - I think that God gives us the strength and not only that but the next time it becomes a bit easier to do that which we are suppose to do.

"I can do all thing through Christ who strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

When I Almost Fell Off the Wagon

Several days ago, I shared how I was discouraged and even though I realized that I should be thankful for the fact that I had lost a good amount of weight - I was discouraged. And I almost fell off of the wagon.

This past week has been a tough one for me. I think one of the biggest factors was the fact that Friday evening we had our Christmas Dinner Get together at my Mother-in-laws house. I was worried about this since this would be the first time since my husband or I had seen her since she let me go. And I just did not know how she would act - or if I could be on my best behavior. So I did not make good choices half of the time. And then came the dinner - Let me tell you this - my MIL cooks with a LOT of butter and cheese. So things like broccoli and carrots that would normally be good choices of things to eat became fat traps. So after eating that fatty meal - my body kind of rebelled - yesterday I had a head ache. I have not had headaches like that in a while and I again made some bad choice - not really in what I ate this time, more in how much and also for the wrong reasons. Over the past week - I had gained about 2 pounds or so. And I was discouraged yesterday evening.

Well I went to my sewing room to finish up a Block of the Month block that I had and turned on a program that I had recorded. The program is called "Wonderfully Made" and it is on 3ABN. We have Dish Network and it is on 9393. Well the episode that I watched just happen to be about the benefits of a plant based diet and how even though the weight loss can be slow- that it is a more permanent weight loss since there has been a lifestyle change. This was so encouraging for me. I was so thankful that God had that program play - just when I needed it. And let me tell you - yesterday I felt like I was at the point of falling off the wagon, I was discouraged. I had not thought that I would face that feeling with this lifestyle change. But I did and I had a week or so of not making good choices and I am hoping that I have worked through these feelings. In the past, having that feeling and then making bad choices and gaining weight - would have been all it would take for me to totally give up. But I am not that person any more. I have help - I have a resource that is there for me when I need Him and when I choose to ask for help. I am going to ask God to give me the wisdom to make better choices and to strength to stand up to temptation. There are too many benefits to staying on this healthy new lifestyle - and so even if the weight loss slows - I will stick to it and take care of my body the way that God intended me to. :o)

Changes and Priorities

Sitting at a hospital all day for two days gives a lot of time for thought. I was thinking of the fact that I used to be a person that did not like changes. But there have been SO many changes in my life over the last couple of years, I have learned to turn my life and my will over to God. And this has really helped me because I am letting go of the control of my life. It is in such better hands when I leave it in God's hands. Sometimes I still resist changes. And when we put all of our faith and trust in God and turn our lives over to Him, it is amazing what he can do. Struggles that we've always had are no longer struggles.

I know it is scary to let go of control, sometimes I find myself trying to be in control and then I remember that God knows what's best and He does such a better job of being in control of my life than I ever have.

I heard a part of a sermon on the way to the hospital and the question was asked:

Did God consider Jesus more important at 30 years old in his ministry than at 28 years old and a carpenter? In both of these cases God was equally as proud of Jesus because Jesus was doing the will of His Father. God was not more proud of Jesus just because He was in the ministry.

So this is a great reminder to me that as long as I allow God to lead in my life, that I will be in the will of God which is the very best place to be.

***
Back in July I wrote a post about priorities and it is so cool to look back and see God's hand in how my life has been going. God knew that in order for me to make the changes that I have made that I needed to be prepared for them. and by realizing that even though I have done some things in my life fr a long time does not mean that they are things that need to stay in my life.

I learned a very important lesson last week actually. When I went to the Dr. she told me NOT to be around cigarette smoke- well because I have always been so dependable to my MIL, then I disregarded my health and went to work, where I knew I would be around cigarette smoke. And I paid the price- I felt miserable. I would get so hot and nauseous. And the instead of getting better after going to Dr and getting on a Z-pack, I actually got sicker.

Then this week I had only asked for Monday off, but as I sat in the hospital room for hours - quiet so my husband could sleep- I have plenty of time to think. I realized that in order to keep my priorities in the correct order- God, Husband/Family, Health.....then I needed to be off all week so that once my husband was home - that I would be there to help him and keep him from doing things that would be harmful like bending to pick stuff up, even putting on socks could do damage to his back. So I took the whole week off.

I have allowed that job to have TOO high of a spot in my life. Yes, I feel like I am being led to help her out and to carry some of the burden but I will do my best to not do it at the expense of my family or other priorities again. :o)

We did not get home till about 9:30pm on Tuesday. And we were both tired. Yesterday I slept in -trying to get caught up on sleep. And then I had lots to do around here to get caught up. Sorry I did not post yesterday, but I had a lot to do.

One Step Closer

When I first began this blog, I had no idea of how true the title of my blog would turn out to be. When I finally got to the point of being willing to turn my life and my will over to God, I started to notice some really neat things happening. I could see how God was leading in my life.

Here is an example of something that I have just figured out recently. About a year or two ago, I put a lot of importance in the fact that I was a good cook and that I baked well. In fact, I thought I had an upper edge on a lot of people when it came to those areas. I was a member of the Ladies Auxiliary with the local fire department that my husband volunteered with. We would have once a month dinners at the station. And it did not take long to realize that there were a lot of other really good cooks out there. And I finally came to the conclusion that it was OK - I was a good cook but so were a lot of other people. Where I went wrong here - was that I was basing my value on how good of a cook I was. When in fact, my value comes from God.

Now fast forward a year or two - God has led me to a new life style. If He had not worked on my false since of value a couple of years ago - I would have had a much harder time with changing my lifestyle.

So the very best thing that I have done - is release the reigns of trying to be in control. By giving them to God.. I gave Him permission to work in my life how He saw fit. And I finally feel like I am a step closer to being the real me. And I can't think of anything I would rather be than in His Will, becoming the Child of God that He intended me to be.

Great Quote

"God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with. If God would only use His own finger, and make me broken bread and poured-out wine in a special way! But when He uses someone whom we dislike, or some set of circumstances to which we said we would never submit, and make those the crushers, we object. We must never choose the scene of our own martyrdom. If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed."

Oswald Chambers

Grace for You and Me

As I have been journeying through life, I have discovered that I am not lower than other people or higher than other people - we are all on the same level ground. But there is an area in which we are all at different levels and that is in our walks with God. I think too often we expect everyone to be at the same place we are and that is just unrealistic. The lessons that God is working on teaching me may not be the same ones that he is working on teaching you. We are all unique in our walk with God.

Sometimes this idea is hard for me. I was raised as a teachers child. And as you probably can understand - teacher's children are expected to be very, very good. So I learned at an early age that I needed to be perfect - oh I could not have expressed it in that way then, but now I know that is what it was because that is what I expect out of myself now- perfection (like that is ever going to happen - hahaha..:O).) Anyway because I was expected to be perfect then I learned to expect that from myself and also others. And as I know that I can not expect perfection out of myself or others - it is hard sometimes not to do it. I am trying to learn to have more Grace with myself and with others.

God is working with us all - in the exact areas of our lives that we need the work done. He knows what is best for us and if we will just turn our lives and our will over to Him - what wonderful things He can do in our lives.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. May God bless and keep you in His perfect will - this is my wish for me and for you. :O)

Three Word Prayers

As I have been reading my "Red Sea Rules" Book I have been very blessed. And I will continue to share the series of the "10 God-Given Strategies For Difficult Times," but yesterday in my reading I read something that I thought was important enough to write a post just for it.

Lately I have been realizing more and more the importance of application of what we learn. Well because I am a visual learner sometimes it is hard for me to understand how to do things with out directions. And this little gem that I am about to share is something that will help me with applying things that I am learning in my life.

It is really important to spend time in prayer, but we don't always have time or are not in the position for a long prayer. In these times it is a good idea to pray short prayers. I am going to share with you in the authors words this section of the book.

"Other times, however, my prayers are quite short. I've recently learned a new prayer technique from the writing of missionary Amy Carmichael. She learned it from the famous Bible teacher Dr. F. B. Meyer, who once told her that as a young man he had been irritable and hot tempered. An older gentleman advised him to look up at the moment of temptation and say, "Thy sweetness, Lord."
Amy Carmichael developed many variations of that prayer. When meeting someone she did not like, she would silently pray, "Thy love, Lord." In a crisis she'd whisper "Thy help, Lord." or "Thy wisdom, Lord." (The Red Sea Rules, page 42 and 43)

As I read this, I realized that this was such a great idea. There are many times that I find myself needing God to supply different needs, but the situation does not lend itself to me taking a time out to say a long prayer. Now I can just in my mind say a 3 word prayer to God and know that he can supply what is needed. I think it is a great way to keep connected to God throughout the day. And as this becomes a habit, it can help me kick some of the other habits - the bad habits - by calling on Jesus for his help. What a great habit to get into to.

Another Look at Self Acceptance

Several weeks ago, I went to Golden Corral with some of my extended family. As I was going through the buffet line, picking out the food I wanted to eat, a very pretty young lady - probably about 20 give or take a couple of years walked up next to me. She was eyeing the macaroni. While we stood there she said-"I better not get any - I am already fat." I thought to myself - Oh my goodness - you are so far from being fat. I hesitated for a minute and then I said to her - "You are not fat at all. You are a pretty young lady."


Here she was young, blond, tanned, and may have weighed 100 - maybe 120. It just broke my heart. First for her, she was so pretty and it was so sad that she did not think much of herself. But what I really think bothered me is that as a child - I was not fat at all and for some reason I thought I was - and even up into my teens. It is so sad that some how we are given unrealistic ideas of what we should be like. We're not pretty enough, skinny enough, tanned enough, whatever it is - we just don't seem to measure up.

God created each of us to be special and unique. We should not be comparing ourselves with other people - we are ALL unique. And I think the sooner that we accept ourselves just as we are - the happier we will be.


We put so much emphasis on what we look like and I think that many times we over look the most important part of ourselves - the inner person.



Instead of asking ourselves if we are skinny enough or pretty enough - or what ever -I think the real question needs to be - Do I reflect the character of God? Which of these questions have the most eternal value?


*The above photo is a photo of me(striped shirt) probably the same year that I learned that my parents were going to get a divorce. And I don't look fat to me - why couldn't I have just accepted myself and seen my value - that God created me just like I was and loved and accepted me just the way I was. I did not know that then - but I have the choice to make now - do I believe God's Word - or not. I choose to believe.

What is your Anchor?

Today I heard a great sermon. And what is really cool is that a couple of other blogger's ended up writing similar posts today. They are both great writers. I think you will enjoy what Susan and Debra had to say.

There are so many things that we can have as our Anchors: career, money, a spouse, family, friends, you name it - it could be someone's Anchor. But it is very dangerous for us to put any of these things or any earthly things as our Anchors - We can not be truly happy if we do so.

It all comes down to this - IF God is my anchor then I can have nothing- or lose any of the above and still be ok(may take some time - of course.) But if I don't have God- I could have everything and still not be happy.

So if I have God, I could have everything or nothing and still be happy! But without God as my Anchor - NO true happiness.

I really think that this is a lesson that God has wanted me to learn. And I think I am finally getting it. I mean seriously - I hear a great sermon about it - then I read the two posts above.
How could I have possibly missed the message? lol

It is super late and I am hoping that this post makes sense. If not in the morning - I may just have to tweak it but for now. This is how I will leave it. May we all put God first!!

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33

"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty." Psalms 91:1

What great promises!! :O)

Crucibles- Changing Us From The Inside Out

As I read my favorite blogs and see status updates on facebook, I am reminded that there are many people going through struggles right now. In the book I am reading right now, "The Refiner's Fire" he calls these troubles crucibles.



He explains how a crucible is a small, shallow metal dish that he remembers balancing on top of a black metal tripod. And that the Bunsen Burner would have a fierce flame that would be aimed at the dish (or crucible.) Then they would put different things into the dish and see what the reaction would be.


Well in our lives that is what happens to us as well.

I am discovering that these challenges come into our lives in order to test us and to reshape us from the inside out.



OK- back to the book. I am in chapter 3 now and Gavin Anthony lists 6 principles that will provide a little "understanding the painful discipline that God allows for our spiritual growth.



1. The suffering of a life under God's discipline is never meaningless.



2. Suffering as a result of God's discipline is an evidence of His closeness rather than the result of His abandoning us.



3. Our ability to mature spiritually under God's discipline depends on how we choose to view our suffering.



4. The ultimate purpose of God's discipline is always that we will reflect His character.



5. There is no short cut around the pain of God's discipline.



6. The blessing of God's discipline will become noticeable but not necessarily immediately."



There was a lot of really good information under each of these principles and you can read for yourself if you would like by going here. Like I said it has at least the first half of the book accessible to read.

So as you can see the crucibles in our lives can be very painful, but we are not alone and these painful experiences, if we will allow them, will produce a beautiful change from the inside out.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; " 1 Peter 4:12

Psalms 23

1 The LORD is my shepherd ; I shall not want . 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies : thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever .

Psalms 23 King James Version

1 A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. 3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

Psalms 23 New King James Version

A Psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures ; He leads me beside quiet waters. 3 He restores my soul ; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. 5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies ; You have anointed my head with oil ; My cup overflows. 6 Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever .

Psalms 23 New American Standard Version

A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need. 2 He lets me lie down in fields of green grass. He leads me beside quiet waters. 3 He gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths for the honor of his name. 4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid. You are with me. Your shepherd's rod and staff comfort me. 5 You prepare a feast for me right in front of my enemies. You pour oil on my head. My cup runs over. 6 I am sure that your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will live in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalms 23 New International Reader's Version

We have all heard of Psalms 23 and have all read it - but I just wanted to give a few different versions here for you to read through. Different versions may give different insight into the meaning of the verses. Tomorrow I will share more of the reason why I am sharing this tonight. A Hint - These words have new meaning to me and help me understand why I named my blog -Journeying to the Real Me - I did not realize how very true that statement was/is - until tonight.

Weighed...Measured...Wanting

In my life I have felt so many times that I am held to a higher standard than those around me. I think it all began many years ago as a child. My Mom and Dad were both teachers and for several years either one or the other was my teacher at small private schools. And of course, since I was the teachers child - I needed to be a good example to the other kids. I know my parents had no idea what message this put into my head. The message that I needed to be perfect. And that I would just never measure up. And a very sad by product of this thinking is that I have held other people up to higher standards as well.

I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be going to a 12 step meeting and I have people that I can share my thoughts and feeling with and they can help me think in more healthy ways. I keep being reminded that I need to keep my focus on God. And that God created me - to be me. Not what others expect me to be. That is part of my defect of being a people pleaser. And let me tell you - you can't please everyone. And when you do allow people to be your guide of if you are good enough - you will never feel like you are good enough.


"You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting."

This is how I was feeling earlier today. I had taken my focus off of God and his love for me. And I had allowed someone who had very good intentions in what they said to me - make me feel less than.

"I am sorry you feel that way" and " You may be right"

These are two very useful tools to use when dealing with people. There will be times in all of our lives when something happens and if we go down that road - it will take us to unhealthy thinking and feelings. And instead of going down that road, it is best just to use one of the lines above. It will help defuse the situation and we can continue in our pathway to health.

This morning I had a nice, long talk with my sponsor. She is a very godly woman and I thank God for bringing her into my life. She reminded me that there will be times that I do not measure up to other peoples expectations and that is OK. I am free to be ME.

So the next time that someone wants to hold me up to a high standard, a standard that I can not measure up to - I will say to myself "I am sorry I don't measure up to your expectations." Then I will try to take the focus off of me and focus on God and what he wants to do in my life. I have spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself. Way too much time trying to be someone that is perfect. And I am tired..tired of trying to be someone I am not. I am not perfect and I never will be. One day Jesus will come in the clouds of Glory and I will be changed in a twinkle of an eye - THEN I will be PERFECT - I will be perfect because all of my inperfections will be covered by the Blood of Jesus Christ. But until then I will be journeying towards who God wants me to be.

Finding Treasures

Today I had a good list of errands I wanted to get done. So I headed off. I decided to stop at Goodwill first. As I got closer to the parking lot, I noticed that it was more full than usual and then it hit me- it is half price day! Now let me tell you up until the past 6 months to a year, you would NOT have found me at Goodwill on half price day. I really do not like a situation that makes a store really crowded and all. I have come along way since then. I still don't like it when the parking lot is totally full but I at least make an attempt now.

Anyway I decided to see if I could find a parking spot and if so I would stay. Well sure enough I found a spot to park. And I was even able to get a basket. I shopped around - found a couple of shirts I like(did not even try them on- too busy back there at the dressing rooms.) Then I found this great lead Crystal piece - not positive of what it is suppose to be used for(if any of you know- please let me know), but I LOVED the hearts all the way around it so for $1.00 - it was a great find!!

Then I found a true treasure! Lately I have been drawn to older furniture. It was just made so much better a long time ago. And the details are great!

I found a drop side table I think is what you would call it. This is it sitting behind my car. It was quite heavy but I was determined to get it and get it then.

Here it is after I cleaned it up. And put it where I want it. I have always thought that this space at the end of my bed needed something but there is not a lot of room there - so what ever was to go there needed to be small. Well this fits perfectly. My husband said that I will get hurt in the middle of the night going to the bathroom but I am determined enough to have it there that I can use a flashlight if need be. Now hopefully when he comes to bed(since there are times he stays up later than I do) he will not get hurt.

Here is a photo of it opened up all the way. It is so cute. I am so happy with it. Oh and I forgot to tell you what a great deal I got. Well it was marked $15.00, so I paid $7.50!! I probably would have paid the $15.00 for it, I love it so much!! Now to figure out what to put on it that will look nice but that my cats won't hurt.

And look what I got in the mail today! This will be fun to look through and see if there are any projects I just have to do. But of course, I will need to finish the other projects I have going.

Oh - I also wanted to share something. Last month on half price day, I ended up at a different Goodwill in my area. As I was looking through the ladies tops - I over heard a lady talking about a piece of furniture. And so I looked at it. Once she walked away I went over to it. I loved it. But was trying to think of what I would do with it. Just a little while later she came over to where I was and looked at something else. We began to talk. She was measuring something to see if it would fit into her efficiency apartment. As we are talking I ask her - the furniture is also half price - right? She asked a worker that was nearby and he said yes. Well she said the other piece she was looking at would not work but if I did not want this desk - to let her know because she would. Well I told her she could have it. It was hard to do but I knew it was the right things to do. She saw it first and she had really wanted it but just did not have the money to pay the full price. I left Goodwill that day without buying anything at all. Part of me was sad because I did not get this unique piece of furniture but part of me was glad that this lady got something that would work good in her small apartment. I am so thankful that God blessed her last month and I am so thankful that He blessed me this month with a very special piece of furniture. God loves us and delights in doing things for us.

Wisdom to know it's ME

Today as I was shopping at Goodwill, I noticed this written on the inside cover of a Bible. Wow- so much wisdom in this little statement. The serenity prayer changed up just a bit and it really has a great message.

I think way too often we think we need to change everyone around us. Trust me..I know. This is something that I have had to realize was a character defect and that I needed to only worry about changing me. And what was and is really cool about it is that the more I work on changing me - it also changes people around me. See God wants us to focus on us and to listen to the small, still voice that leads us to do what is God's will for our lives. And too often we allow worrying about what those around us are doing. I think it is one of Satan's tools to distract us from dealing with our own short comings. It is so much easier to see where other people fall short, much harder to see it in ourselves. But if we will listen to that small, still voice we will discover things about ourselves that we never realized before. Once we realize that we have some character defects and if we are willing to allow God to work in our lives - God can replace those character defects with assets. Isn't that great news?! But as long as we are in denial and only focusing on the defects of those around us, we can not grow.

So the above statement will be written and posted somewhere to remind me - that it is ME that I need to work on changing - no one else.

Feeling like the Lone Ranger

Lately I have felt like the Lone Ranger.. well that is the only way I could think of to explain how I feel. You see I had my first baby at 20 years old. A lot of my friends and people at church were not having babies at that point in their lives so I did not have a group of ladies all going through what I was going through. I would have loved to have had Internet back then. It would have been so nice to be able to connect with other ladies going through the same things that I was. I was mostly a stay at home Mom and I loved it but was still lonely. Now I have 17 year old and a VERY soon to be 20 year old - and most of the ladies at my church that are my age have younger children. Now I am also a Grandmother... NO one my age is a Grandmother. So now I feel like I am going through this stage..alone. Oh and not to mention being a Mother in Law. I think Mother in Laws get a bad rap. It seems that no matter what you do - you can not really please your daughter in law, but see I have no one going through this stage and so I can't even share my thoughts and hurts off of anyone.

I really did not start a blog in order to just gripe and complain but I am just going through a rough patch right now. And I also want to be a more authentic person. And I think that I am a little on the emotional side today because of the symposium tomorrow. I am afraid to hear what the prognoses is for my husband. So I am just more sensitive than usual. Then several different things along the lines of being a MIL and a Grandmother have happened this week and it has just really been hard to go through. Long ago I learned to build walls around my heart but it is so much harder when ever other people are involved. Before I just had to block my own pain, my own disappointments. But now, the things that are going on are affecting my husband as well. And I know it hurts him so much. And so it makes it so much harder. It is harder to put that pain in a box and set it aside and say it really does not matter to me. It is harder to deny the pain when you look at the person you love that is being affected by the same situation and see the pain in their eyes and not feel it yourself. This past week I have been trying to understand how I felt and by writing out this post, the feelings finally came though enough to be able to explain why it hurts more. Why I can't put those feeling out of my mind. Life was easier when I could do that. I was used to disappointments. I think I already explained that as a child growing up we moved all the time. And it was so hard on me. I learned long ago with the pain of leaving friends, security, and sometimes family behind that it was much easier when I talked myself out of letting it bother me. When I packed those feeling up neatly in a box and tried to leave them on the moving trucks. But now...Praise the Lord I have had the privilege to live in the same place for almost 10 years. But at the same time my life has gotten to the point of having more situations in which I can not box up and set aside..where others in my life are also suffering.

I guess another thing that has me bothered is that I looked at the web site of a hospital near us to see if I could find a support group or education class about Parkinson's and I found NOTHING. I am feeling like I will go through this alone as well. I guess I should be used to it by now.

I guess I really should not say that I have had to go through all the phases of my life alone because I know that God has been there every step of the way. And I am so very grateful that He has been. I just think it would have been nicer and more enjoyable to have had other ladies going through the same thing to be able to talk about the different issues being faced.

God has a plan for my life and I just need to trust Him. I have heart to trust His heart when you don't see His hand. Well that is what I will have to do. Trust God.