When the Heart Softens ~ Me - then/now

This past year has been such a hard one for me. And I think that through the brokenness I allowed myself to get a little hardened. I noticed I did not have as much compassion for others as I used to have. I think that I cried so many tears since my diagnosis that I just ran out of tears, not literally but I was so tired of crying that I pushed my feelings as far back as I could.

My husband and I would watch movies - and at moments in the movies that I would normally need a towel or kleneex I was finding myself emotionless- maybe a bit sad but not at all like I used to feel. But somewhere in the last week or two something happened - I remember the moment but don't remember what led to it. It was like - I can feel again. As I write these words I hope that I am not giving the idea that I turned into a stone wall - because I didn't swing so far the other direction as to become that hardened - I just worked hard to protect my heart. I didn't want it hurt any more. And when you allow yourself to feel emotions deeply - you hurt. Before the diagnosis I had been through some situations that I had felt had totally broken me - but I was wrong. Coming to terms with cancer and all the feelings that go along with it tends to cause brokenness....at least for me it did. And it hurt. I can't even begin to tell you how many tears I cried over the loss of my hair. Some might say that is pure vanity - and it might be. But when your hair is your best feature- it really is hard to lose it.

This is a picture that is actually a couple of years before my diagnosis:

Anyway now I am beginning to feel again. When I am watching "Chopped" and hear of a man who is raising his 3 children alone now because his wife died of inflammatory Breast Cancer last year- I tear up. My heart is saddened for him and his children. And although it hurts- it also feels good because I am beginning to allow myself to have compassion again. I am not afraid to cry. I might not be back 100% - but I know that I am not where I was.

Here is an updated photo of me taken yesterday:

Sorry for the fuzziness. I need to try to figure out what I can do in order to take clearer photos.

I had a hair cut earlier this week. It has been about 2 1/2 months since my last hair cut and I needed to get the split ends off and shape up some.

Notice also that my mole is gone. There is a red spot there where it is healing. So glad that is behind me. Glad I did it when I did- especially when I looked at our insurance website and noticed that it cost over $200.00 to remove it and then about $150. to send the mole to a lab to have it tested- thankfully it was not cancer. Praise the Lord for that blessing.

 

Anyway I just wanted to write my feelings down and process my thoughts- wish I had have done it when I first noticed that I was allowing myself to feel again - it would be neat to remember more of the details. What ever the cause - I am glad because in order to share God's love with other's it pretty important to have a heart for people. And I had been trying desperately to protect my heart. Still wanting to protect it but wanting to allow God to love others through me as well.